whats mine is his? and vice versa - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

The future Mrs. · #1 02-25-2008, 07:01 PM

hey guys... just wanted to delete my thread. still getting responses, and we have sort of resolved our issues.
Have a great day!
Gina

Heather · #2 02-25-2008, 07:27 PM

The same way you discuss the electric bill... It's for both of you, so just let him know these things are part of the overall budget.

Are you sure he doesn't realize this though? You said you 'think' be under the impression...

A good idea may be to start a joint savings and checking account, and start funneling the 'wedding' money to this account. Explain there are a lot of expenses, major and minor, and you would like to be able to keep track of things a bit better.

When you're married, you can still keep your own bank accounts (we do), but we use our shared for household bills and shared expenses.

Julz518 · #3 02-25-2008, 08:25 PM

Personally, I think the decision to share the wedding expenses should be a decision you BOTH make... not something you "impose" on him.

In my case, I originally thought that my FH would be willing to help out - so when I started my budget, I asked him "honey, how much do you think WE can contribute to the wedding?" He completely balked at the idea that HE would pay for any of it - my mom and I are the ones who want the party. He would be just as happy going to the JOP for $60, so why should he pay for any more?

So, mom and *I* are paying for the wedding. Yes, FH is helping out a little here and there for things things he cares about (food, alcohol, and music). But my original budget did not factor in ANY contribution from him.

If your FH doesn't want "the party" he shouldn't have to pay for it either. BUT, if he pushed you to have the big wedding, or is playing an integral part in the planning process, then yes, he should contribute... and the dress, your hair, etc. are all part of the wedding package, just as much as his tux, haircut, etc. are. Basically, you guys need to sit down and have an honest talk about what are "joint" wedding expenses and what are "individual" wedding expenses.

feb-bride · #4 02-25-2008, 08:28 PM

I had the exact same situation as Julz. I was the one who wanted the big wedding; my husband would have been fine with having a very tiny wedding (only parents and siblings). As such, I paid for most of it with help from my dad and step-mom. My husband did chip in here and there on things that he really cared about, but other than that, I paid for everything. I was completely fine with that, because why should he have to pay for a huge wedding when all he wanted was a 20-person affair?

Heather · #5 02-25-2008, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julz518

Personally, I think the decision to share the wedding expenses should be a decision you BOTH make... not something you "impose" on him.

In my case, I originally thought that my FH would be willing to help out -

Good point! I had forgotten about your situation. I assumed they were on the same page with regard to that.

The future Mrs. · #6 02-25-2008, 08:59 PM

thanks, but me and him definetly have to talk. we are basically paying for it ourselves and its him and his family that have been calling the shots (our 10,000 wedding is now $25,000 plus). his family is insisting on inviting over 100 people, while i am just inviting 45... so our situation is not the ordinary. also, his family has agreed to contribute 4,000 but it doesnt really make a dent in the budget. LOL

Julz518 · #7 02-25-2008, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The future Mrs.

thanks, but me and him definetly have to talk. we are basically paying for it ourselves and its him and his family that have been calling the shots (our 10,000 wedding is now $25,000 plus). his family is insisting on inviting over 100 people, while i am just inviting 45... so our situation is not the ordinary. also, his family has agreed to contribute 4,000 but it doesnt really make a dent in the budget. LOL

Do you mind if I ask where you live? I'm just wondering b/c there are a lot of places you can have a REALLY nice wedding for ~150 guests for well under $25,000. Is it ALL your FH's family's decisions driving up the cost, or are things just more expensive than you anticipated?

If your FH family is insisting on specific details for your wedding (i.e. venue, food, etc.) that's driving up the cost, then that's another issue. If you and your fiance are bearing the brunt of the burden, then YOU AND HIM need to figure out what YOU can afford and stick with that budget - even if it means cutting the guest list or changing venues.

If I were you, I wouldn't take ANY money from FH's family if they are going to walk all over your decisions. It's YOUR wedding, NOT theirs! If they are going to make those kinds of decisions then they should be responsible for paying for EVERYTHING above and beyond what you and your FH decide you can afford. (i.e. if the two of you can afford $10,000, then they shoudl pay $15,000, unless they are willing to compromise on the guest list or the other items). Otherwise, tell them to BACK OFF!

feb-bride · #8 02-25-2008, 10:03 PM

Is your fiance' allowing his family to call the shots? That's wrong, IMO. It's YOUR and HIS wedding - not his familys' wedding. They need to back off.

amberube · #9 02-27-2008, 04:27 PM

IMO and only IMO...

I can understand why couples have their own bank accounts when both work and want their own pocket money for outings, garments and other self indulging knickknacks but it always amazes me when I hear of "married couples" who do not have a common banking budget for the household utilities, service and food (not forgetting children to come if applicable).

I am using the wedding as our starting point to open up this bank account and as Heather has mentioned, we will keep it for the rest of our lives. When people get married, I believe it is to share everything and that includes the bills. I am not taking into consideration a couple whereby there is only one income. Many heated discussions in a relationship could be avoided if both parties would contribute weekly, bi-weekly (or whatever the agreement is) proportionately to their income. What you do with the rest of the money is your business.

In the case of this wedding which has gone out of proportion, you should cut it back to what the original budget was and explain to the family (to be) that there is not enough money to cover "their" extravaganza. It is normal to be a little over your budget (say 5% or so) but having gone over twice the amount originally budgeted for!!! I have never heard of that before.

I sincerely believe that the both of you should sit down to discuss the situation that has gone out of hand and get a reality check into the situation. Perhaps you FH does not realize how far this has gone. Once you both have agreed to what you want to do, then you should start from that point and go on planning. Remember that this is the beginning of what should be, a beautiful love story, not a battle ground for

Best of luck

The future Mrs. · #10 02-29-2008, 07:08 PM

thanks for your thoughts. basically, we both always wanted bigger weddings but i just thought it would be more reasonable to have a small, intimate beach wedding to save costs. apparently having the big SHIN-DIG is non-negotiable with his family so i guess there is no way out of it. we ARE trying to cut costs wherever we can... we are having a beach BBQ menu, etc. we already signed the contract for the place.... so i guess i just have to deal with our feelings and debt and just enjoy the day...

KaileK · #11 02-29-2008, 07:53 PM

IMO I would just flat out refuse to his family. Unless they wanted to pay, they dont have a say. Going into debt over a wedding is not a good idea IMO

All I would end up feeling is resentful of his family.

wynelle · #12 02-29-2008, 08:12 PM

Oh, honey, in today's economic situation, going in debt for something like a wedding is really bad mojo.

Okay, so you have already signed for the site. You can still limit the number of guests. You can use the least expensive food choices. You can not serve alcohol, or limit it to wine/beer only. You can dispense with favors. You can scale down the decorating ideas and flowers. Cringe-- you can have a less expensive dress and ring But don't go into debt over this. Do you see how many people are losing their homes because they can't pay their debts?

Figure out the costs if it was the 100 person wedding vs the 250 person wedding. Tell his parents that if they want to invite more than 35 "guests" (which includes them, siblings, other family, etc) then they can pay the $XXXX it costs per guest.

Fighting over finances is always bad, and it is no way to start a marriage

And what the crap is this 'non-negotiable' stuff about his family and a big wedding? Will his parents refuse to attend if they can't invite all 200 of their extended family and friends? If you backdown for this, you will be backing down for everything as long as you are married. You can have a 'big' wedding with 75 people, or 100 people. So tell them to cut their list in half. You and DF can have 30 friends. Your family invites can total 35; his family invites can total 35. Period.

amberube · #13 03-01-2008, 08:45 PM

Wow. If it is not negociable then they should pick up the bill for the extra costs. Not Negotiable!

Unbelievable.

Have you looked into the interest rates and how much more than just the $15,000 this will end up being? Do you know what you could do with this money??? Sure you do and if you haven't thought about it, perhaps you should.

Again this is really none of our business but since you brought it up I think you wanted our opinion...

W8ing4Guppy · #14 06-09-2008, 06:04 PM

Not negotiable?

Hun, the only thing that should be 'not-negotiable' here is that this is your wedding, this is your fiance's wedding, and what the both of you say goes. End of discussion. I know that you don't want to step on your future in-laws toes and everything, but I've got to tell you that I agree with another poster on here;

If you back down out of the decision making for your wedding, a day that is supposed to focus on what you and your fiance want and the love that you have enjoyed for so long, then you will be backing down in other future decisions as well. That's not good at all, and your in-laws will think that because you backed down on your wedding day, they can walk all over your for everything else.

Hun, this is YOUR wedding (and the grooms) and it should be the way that the both of you invisioned it (ie, comprimise). It is my humble opinion that the families of both the Bride and Groom should give the Bride and Groom what they want and ask for, not try to change venues and have expensive food and open bars and drive up the cost of a ceremony that, as important as it is, is only for one day.

So, don't you start off a marriage by going into debt because your inlaws have a penchant for extravegance. Both you and your fiance put your foot down, tell them what you want, and let that be the end of it.