New here and need some advice!

[MrK]

This feels a bit strange posting on a seemingly all-woman forum. But I'll have to get over this as I can't seem to find any answers through the search function. Here goes nothing!

Let me start by saying that this whole wedding planning thing is a real PITA! It was only two weeks ago that I proposed and I already feel like we're up to our necks in this wedding planning business. I suppose this has to do with the fact that we decided on a July 08' wedding. From what I've gathered, getting married seven months after the engagement is rather quick nowadays. That being said, this is the main thing on my mind atm:

Ceremony & Reception Costs:

We made the mistake of deciding on a location before setting a budget. In my mind, I had a reasonably lofty budget for a wedding that I would be willing to part with. After meeting with a wedding coordinator at the Ritz in Laguna Niguel, we're estimating that the costs of using their services and location would be anywhere from $50-$60k for about 200 people. Add in an extra $25k or so for everything else (that my fiance estimated), and we are about to spend twice as much as I originally envisioned.

The location is gorgeous. The picture on the website does the view ZERO justice. This hotel is perched atop a cliff, 160 feet above ocean level. The background behind the altar is of the pacific ocean, the beachfront, and numerous mansions line the hilltops in the distance. Three weeks ago, I would have said, "Are you kidding me?" if someone told me that my wedding was going to cost $80-$90k. Now, my heart is about 95% in it. The money problem can be taken care of with an equity loan on the house (and with a little help from her parents).

Since I've pretty much made up my decision on the venue, the advice I'm looking for has to do with bargaining power. All these big name hotels seem to have pre-set pricing for each of their services. How much, if any, can you bargain down the price? What is the best way to go about this? We're going to look at a few more beachfront hotels, but are doing it more for comparisons than anything. When do you bring up the point of discounting the advertised price?

I look forward to reading your responses. Thank you in advance.

[NovemberGal]

Wow, you're looking at a price range I think most of us have no experience with. That said, everything I read and watched during and after my wedding planning said everything is negotiable, but I don't have specific tips on how to go about that. But with the budget you're looking at, you might consider a wedding planner--even partial services--because they will have connections and more bargaining power and experience than you do. You will not be a repeat customer. A wedding planner will.

However, a bit of unasked for advice. It is just a very poor idea to go into debt for a wedding. This is one day out of your life; you should NOT be potentially screwing up your financial future for it. What happens if you or your spouse gets seriously injured or ill? You'll lose your house, just so you could have a $90K wedding. It sounds like you'd budgeted $40K or so anyway; that's a generous wedding budget already. I'd urge you to reconsider going into debt for this. Sorry, I know you didn't ask for it, but that's something I feel too strongly about not to butt into your business about.

Welcome to Pash! As you can see, we love to give advice and often will even answer the question you asked. I'm sure some of the other ladies and some of our professionals (our destination wedding specialist might have more specific tips for you about bargaining) will be able to help out more than I. Good luck!

[MrK]

Thanks for the quick and warm welcome. I've got insomnia from travel, which is why I'm still up right now at... 8:15am in the morning. And probably the only male in my time zone not at work and browsing bridal forums.

I'm not sure how weddings are done anymore, but I've always thought from popular culture that it's the brides' family that covers the entire cost of the wedding in the United States. This may or may not be true now, but I'm sure culture is involved as well. But nevermind culture, I'm of the mind that the guy should pay for most of the costs. Though I don't mind my fiance paying for a meal here and there, I do most of the card pulling. Call me old fashioned.

When it came down to deciding who would pay for what, I told her that I would pay for the ceremony and reception, and she would get her parents to help out with the additional costs. Most of the $40k I originally budgeted would not come from a loan. But with the new budget, I would probably pull out $30k from an equity loan. The advice you gave is good, but it doesn't really apply for me as the house is almost completely paid off (inheritance). I appreciate it though, keep it coming!

Oh and I will heed your advice on the wedding planner-connection hookup. We have an acquaintence (who we're asking to be our wedding planner) that is currently on vacation that we need to talk to by next week

[Heather]

Hi MrK, welcome to Pash. Men are more than welcome!

I feel for you. Our wedding was just over $30K, and I didn't want to spend that much but it was a compromise. Location is key. I'm in Albany NY so what we spent was average, but elsewhere that's cheap and other places crazy expensive.

I don't know where you live, but it sounds like you're planning a destination wedding? If so, I would be very suprised if 200 people showed up. Maybe you could scale down that part of it to family and close friends, and then plan a second reception for when you return home. That will save you a TON of money and your bride can wear her dress twice.

I agree with November. Please reconsider what you've decided. I also don't know where your fiance would spend an additional $25K... Send her here and we can help with those details like invites, favors, dresses, flowers, etc to save money. (Or you can secretly come back and we'll help you, lol.) More unsolicited advice - It's not worth it to take out an equity loan on your home... I could never consider risking our home and financial future for one day. Stick to your original budget.

If all else fails, definitely try to get in touch with a wedding planner and see if they could help. However, that will also increase your budget.

Wish I could help you more, and good luck with everything! We're here when you need to vent or ask more questions.

[Heather]

Originally Posted by MrK

I'm not sure how weddings are done anymore, but I've always thought from popular culture that it's the brides' family that covers the entire cost of the wedding in the United States. This may or may not be true now, but I'm sure culture is involved as well.

Typically the bride's parents pay for the bulk, the groom covers the honeymoon and the groom's parents take care of flowers, the bar costs and the rehearsal dinner. However, most couples nowadays pay for everything themselves, with monetary gifts from parents if they wish to contribute. My husband and I were established in our careers, lived together, etc. so to have someone else pay for my wedding was out of the question. I would never expect it, nor would I want that.

Glad to hear your home is almost paid off... believe it or not I'm relieved for you now, lol. I was worried!

[MrK]

Nice quote Heather, made me laugh

I live in Los Angeles where the median house price is around $600k and the Ritz Carlton is in Laguna Niguel, about 60 miles away from my home. I don't have the figures of the $25k in front of me, but basically everything that is not dinner and drinks (open bar all night!). She showed me her list and it actually came out to about $30k. I think she's overexaggerating on some of the figure though, which is why I said $25k.

The bulk of the cost would be in pictures and videography, which together total $10k. She's allocated $2k for her dress and $1k for the bridesmaids dresses, which I think are reasonable. Add an extra $1k for my suit and groomsman rentals. Lighting is about $1500 and same with cake. Corkage fee for champagne is $50, so that's $1000 for my party. Another $1500 for DJ/or live band. Lets see... that's only about $18k or so. Once I get my hands on her laptop, I'll be able to post exactly what prices she stated. But a lot of the other stuff has to do with invitations/flowers/stationary/bridal party gifts.

[Heather]

Oh boy - yes, LA is certainly going to be pricier than your average location.

My dress was almost $2K (with shoes and undergarments) so that's reasonable, hee hee. I'm thinking the DJ, photography & videography is probably reasonable for there, too. But I bet you could find a decent deal with that many people attending - remember it's free advertising for them if they do a good job. We had open bar all night, too, but that was factored into the overall price for the ceremony and reception location. To me, that's a must.

I can save you a couple grand right now.

• Bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their own attire (this is typically how it works - you're not expected to pay for this)
• Rent your tux for $200
• Using a live band vs. a DJ will probably more than triple your expense
• You can find amazing, beautiful invitations online for great prices
• Use silk flowers for decoration, but real for bouquets and bouts

What type of lighting are you talking about? Candles?

Edited to Add (ETA) - You have your hands full if you've only been engaged for two weeks and she already had a budget spreadsheet, lol.

[MrK]

Originally Posted by Heather

I can save you a couple grand right now.

• Bridesmaids and groomsmen pay for their own attire (this is typically how it works - you're not expected to pay for this)
• Rent your tux for $200
• Using a live band vs. a DJ will probably more than triple your expense
• You can find amazing, beautiful invitations online for great prices
• Use silk flowers for decoration, but real for bouquets and bouts

What type of lighting are you talking about? Candles?

Edited to Add (ETA) - You have your hands full if you've only been engaged for two weeks and she already had a budget spreadsheet, lol.

It's a good thing she's got a budget spreadsheet, because someone has to be responsible for everything that's going to happen! If you think that's quick, five days after I proposed we made a guestlist over coffee during our vacation the last week and a half (of which included my niece's wedding). We just feel pressured on time because we want to do it by this July. I'm a high school teacher, so summer weddings are a plus. She's an auditer, so any time not in the first four months of the year are a plus (where she works up to 75 hours a week).

Flowers - I'll mention the idea of silk flowers to her, but I don't think we budgeted that much money into flowers anyway. The ceremony location in the hotel is already lined with a variety of different flowers, which helps us with the flower situation quite nicely.

Invitations - I just remembered that we planned for 100 invitations at $5 a piece. She thought this might be to little for invitations budget, but I assured her that we could manage. Is $5 per invitation considered typical?

DJ vs Live Band - I would love any of your input in regards to a live band. I know that it would cost more than the $1500 that I posted (and a DJ would cost less), but it is something we our considering. Can a live band do a better job and create a better ambience than any DJ could?

Tux - I don't plan on purchasing a tux. I'm planning on renting for myself as well as for my 5 groomsman.

Bridesmaids' dresses - My fiance plans on purchasing for her bridesmaids. It's just something that she's set her mind on. Is this atypical?

Lighting - Not candles. More like ambient lighting. I went to a wedding reception of a really good friend of mine for 375 guests about a year and a half ago. He went to another wedding reception at the exact same location a few months later for one of his friends. He said that the atomsphere of his friends' wedding, which came without lighting, was dreary and dull in comparison to his own. He pretty much sold me on the idea of lighting, prior to which I had no knowledge of.

[NovemberGal]

I expect you're talking about actual professional lighting from a lighting company? I've seen that on "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?" That's a cost you and your FW have to determine--lots of folks will think it's an extravagant extra, but this sounds like a pretty big, LA-style bash and is probably more common where you are.

I do know that some of the best things to negotiate are those little "fees"...like the corkage fees, cake slicing fees, etc, that can really add up. A planner can help with that too, but that's a very good place to start. I also agree with H that you can save a lot of money on your tux, groomsmen tuxes, and bridesmaid dresses.

But yes, LA is going to be quite pricey. I'm outside Washington DC, and my wedding costs were about the same as Heather's, but I would expect LA to be more expensive than either of those areas. Clearly the bulk of your budget is what the Ritz is costing you, and you probably won't be able to negotiate out a huge chunk of that, but you can probably shave off a few thousand dollars.

ETA: oops, posting while you were. It's atypical but not unheard of or even all that uncommon for the bride to pay for her maids dresses. A very generous gesture, but one you should do only if you can afford it. That said, I did buy the dresses for two of my four girls, because I knew they could not afford anything themselves and didn't want that to keep them from standing up with me. Tuxes: Really? $1000 for tux rental? That seems steep.

Live band: it's hit or miss. Be sure you hear them in person; see if you can visit while they are playing an event. Of the two weddings I went to in the last couple years that had a band, one was a FABULOUS cover/swing band that just rocked the reception (and cost WAY more than your budgeted $1500), and one absolutely SUCKED and made everyone miserable. All other weddings I've been to had a DJ, none of which sucked, and a couple of whom were stand-out wonderful (including the one we had for our wedding--lots of compliments). Additional edit: be sure to check out our "ask the DJ" forum for the advice that DJ Craig has posted about DJs, and to ask any specific questions you might have.

[Heather]

It is unusual for the couple to pay for the bridesmaid's dresses. They usually pay for themselves. However maybe that could be the gift she gives them as a thank you for being in the wedding? Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

A hundred invites at $5 a piece is a bit pricey. I ordered ours (180 of them) online and they cost $275. They came with inner and outer envelopes, an RSVP card and of course the invitation itself. I made the direction cards myself but had them printed elsewhere.

We considered a band, but it would have cost us almost $5K - and I know the lead singer, lol. Our DJ was wonderful... he also did our ceremony. We had him for about 7 hours altogether and his total cost was $875. I prefer a DJ, simply because you can request songs and you know he/she will have it. You only have to feed one person as opposed to five or six members of a band. They don't need as much space either. (We also told him we would shoot him on the spot if he played The Chicken Dance or the Macarena!) During cocktail hour and dinner, we had him play Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin - that type of music. (Hubby is Italian, lol.) After that, it was dance music and other songs we requested.

As for lighting, maybe the location could work with you? I wouldn't factor that into your budget just yet. You may be able to pull off the same feel with well-placed candles. Our centerpieces were large, silver candlelabras with white candles. It was beautiful, and the location provided them free of charge - candles, too.

[MrK]

Heather: $5k for a band, even with a hook up? I think we might have to pass on that one. I googled some live wedding bands and it looks like they all came in 7s or 8s. That's a lot of extra people! I envisioned a live band as a quartet of singer, guitar, bass, and drums. These bands all have performers and such! Seems kinda goofy if you ask me. I would not want to spend more than $2k on this portion of the budget, and from the sound of it, that's not going to get me much of a band. Half that price for a competent DJ sounds more like it.

I'll have to google some invitation card prices. Looks like you got your cards for about $1.50 a piece. Nice! If I got it at the same rate, I could already knock off $300 off her initial pricing. Direction cards printed elsewhere must have cost some money as well. I didn't think about that.

The Ritz provides lighting services of their own, but I'm sure they'll be twice the price of on outside vendor. I will check into candlelit centerpieces however.

Novembergal: I was figuring $150 per tux rental for each of my groomsman ($750) and then an extra $250 for myself. When I was in high school (13 years ago) a tux rental was $120. I figured $30 would cover inflation.

As far as my FW (one of you used this earlier... this means future wife right?), I suppose she is really generous. She's always been to numerous weddings where the bridesmaids dress was covered by the bride. Maybe that's why she's of the mindset that she has to / wants to cover it. We actually went to a wedding together about half a year ago where all of the bridesmaids had on pink dresses, but none of them matched. Looked a little tacky.

[feb-bride]

First off - congrats on your engagement and welcome to Pash!

Wow - you are going to have a great wedding from the sounds of it. I don't have any good advice for you because my wedding only cost about 1/10 of what yours is going to cost.

[MrK]

Originally Posted by feb-bride

First off - congrats on your engagement and welcome to Pash!

Wow - you are going to have a great wedding from the sounds of it. I don't have any good advice for you because my wedding only cost about 1/10 of what yours is going to cost.

Thank you for the welcome! And feel free to give me any advice you can. Just because our weddings are different costs doesn't invalidate your ability to give me advice. Your post count here makes you infinitely more knowledgable on this matter!

[feb-bride]

Okay, then:

If you are wanting to save money, you and your FW should each make up a list of the five most important things to you in regards to your wedding budget. Then, make up a list of the five LEAST important things to you in regards to your wedding budget. Allocate the bulk of your money to the areas that are most important to both of you, then some money to things that are important to one of you. The things that are the least important - you can either not do them at all or just spend a little bit on those things.

[Marksbride]

Just wanted to say Welcome!

[Heather]

Hey MrK - here are a few of our 'to-do' lists. It'll either add to your stress or help out a bit, lol.

http://www.pashweddings.com/weddingf...ead.php?t=7394

[wembley]

I don't know where you'll be going for your tuxes but I do know that in our case, the rental place charged for the groomsmen tuxes and threw in the groom's tux for free. It was a nice bonus that helped just that little bit more. It's at least something to think about when picking a tux rental place.