Odd questions but.....? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Solar_Flare · #1 01-18-2006, 08:30 AM

I'm confused about some of the traditions.....

How is the unity candle handled and does it happen at the reception?

I heard with the garter toss that you can:
1. Wear one, groom removes but doesn't toss
2. Wear one, groom removes and does toss
3. Groom tosses one but there is another he keeps

If you do option 3, do you only wear the one that gets tossed or do you wear both?

Thanks

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #2 01-18-2006, 02:08 PM

Hi! Welcome! I didn't do a unity candle or a garter toss (the first time around, now planning my second wedding), so I'm not sure of the answers. But I know the other ladies will help out. Just wanted to say hello, though! Please jump in on any and all "conversations"--looking forward to hearing more about your wedding!

Complicated Woman · #3 01-18-2006, 02:21 PM

Welcome to Pash!

The unity candle takes place during your ceremony. If you choose to do it, you'll need to speak with your officiant, who will probably either have a reading prepared or will ask you to select a song.

Can't help with the garter toss, no one at my wedding is seeing my pale, cellulite laden thighs except my fiance, later, in private.

CupieJen · #4 01-18-2006, 02:23 PM

Welcome!

For the unity candle, I'll just tell you how we did it.
After the guests were all seated, our mothers came in and each took a taper candle and lit them from a candle that had been lit by our candlelighter. They then carried the tapers to the unity candle and placed them in holders on either side of a larger pillar candle (the actual unity candle). During the unity candle portion of the ceremony, DH and I each picked up one of the lit tapers and together we lit the unity candle. You can then either blow out the individual tapers or leave them lit. We also had 2 roses. I gave one rose to DH's mom and he gave the other one to my mom. During this time a special song was played.

My friends were married on the beach and so a unity candle ceremony wasn't do-able, so they did theirs at the reception. The unity candle was their centerpiece on the head table.

we didn't do a garter toss, so unfortunately i can't help you there. sorry

Lizbet · #5 01-18-2006, 02:50 PM

For the unity candle (done only at my first wedding):

The mothers lit the taper candles as they entered, before they took their seats. During the ceremony xFH and I used the tapers to light the large center candle. The tapers may be blown out to show the joining of the families into one. Or, you may keep them lit to represent that eventhough you are joining into a new entity you are retaining your individuality. I did not know about this second option when I had my 1st wedding, so we blew them out.

For the garter toss (done at both weddings):

For my 1st wedding, I wore 1 garter and it was removed and thrown by the groom.

For my 2nd (and last) wedding, I wore 2 garters. One was removed and thrown by DH. The other was removed by DH later that night (in the hotel room

) and is currently hanging over the corner of our dressing table mirror.

BTW, welcome to Pash! I hope you enjoy the forum as much as I have.

feb-bride · #6 01-18-2006, 03:15 PM

First - Welcome to the site!

Now, on to your questions:

Unity Candle - The way we did this was to have the fathers light the tapers once the guests were seated. Then, partway through the ceremony, my husband and I used the tapers to light the unity candle (there was an instrumental interlude during this). We blew out our individual tapers.

Garter - I wore two. My husband tossed one during the reception; we kept the other one.

Marge129 · #7 01-18-2006, 03:28 PM

How is the unity candle handled and does it happen at the reception?
We did the unity candle at the ceremony. Before the Mother's took their seats, they each walked up and lit the taper candles on each side. Then, during the ceremony, XH and I went up and used the taper candles to light the pillar candle in the middle.

I heard with the garter toss that you can:
1. Wear one, groom removes but doesn't toss
2. Wear one, groom removes and does toss
3. Groom tosses one but there is another he keeps
If you do option 3, do you only wear the one that gets tossed or do you wear both?
I wore 2 garters. The one I wanted him to toss, I put lower on my leg so he knew which one to take. Then we kept the other one. If you're going to have the "garter removal" at the reception, you should toss it. But, you can always wear a garter that only you and FH know about!

Welcome!!

TheaterDiva1 · #8 01-18-2006, 04:20 PM

1. Unity Candle - the set is made up of a pillar candle and two tapers. Right before the ceremony, as our mothers were walking in, they each lit a taper candle right before they sat down. During the ceremony, DH and I each took a taper and used it to light the pillar candle. While that was going on, we had the DJ play "One Hand, One Heart" from West Side Story.

2. Garter toss - I only had the one garter. DH removed it and threw it. The plan was for whoever caught it to keep it, but the "catcher" ended up being out 6-year-old ring bearer, who promptly tore it to shreds. His mother (one of my BM's) gave me what was left.

555Ann555 · #9 01-18-2006, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheaterDiva1

The plan was for whoever caught it to keep it, but the "catcher" ended up being out 6-year-old ring bearer, who promptly tore it to shreds. His mother (one of my BM's) gave me what was left.

So did you keep hold of the scraps of your poor garter? Boys can be so mean!

Solarflare: Welcome onboard!

It gets quite addictive but we're a lovely bunch of Bliss addicts

Why don't you introduce yourself?

Jacqueline · #10 01-18-2006, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizbet

For the unity candle (done only at my first wedding):

The mothers lit the taper candles as they entered, before they took their seats. During the ceremony xFH and I used the tapers to light the large center candle. The tapers may be blown out to show the joining of the families into one. Or, you may keep them lit to represent that eventhough you are joining into a new entity you are retaining your individuality. I did not know about this second option when I had my 1st wedding, so we blew them out.

For the garter toss (done at both weddings):

For my 2nd (and last) wedding, I wore 2 garters. One was removed and thrown by DH. The other was removed by DH later that night (in the hotel room

) and is currently hanging over the corner of our dressing table mirror.

BTW, welcome to Pash! I hope you enjoy the forum as much as I have.

hi welocme to the site this is my one and only wedding and we will probly be taking this way of doing as it sounds nice
but i am not 100% sure on how they should be done

Solar_Flare · #11 01-18-2006, 06:55 PM

Okay I got the basic concept now about how to do it. Thanks so much for the advice. This is my first wedding (his second) and I've never really thought about exactly what you do at one until now. Needless to say I'm kind of ignorant about alot of the traditions. I figure by June 17, I'll have it down

Kim&Bob2004 · #12 01-18-2006, 07:00 PM

We didn't do a unity candle, we signed a family Bible instead.

As for garter, I wore two. One up higher then the other. Bob removed the lower one and tossed it. and when we stopped for the night I still had on the other one which he removed in our own "private" ceremony.

BTW, Welcome to PASH!

Lizbet · #13 01-18-2006, 07:02 PM

So, your wedding is June 17th? Please tell us more about your plans. We, who are done with our weddings, love to live vicariously through others! LOL

Solar_Flare · #14 01-18-2006, 07:37 PM

LOL Lizbet! Yes the date is June 17th. Its the weekend closest to our 2 year anniversary. Since everyone is being so helpful and supportive I got a couple more problems...... FH and I live with his mom and my mom is about an hour away, works 6 days a week and the only time I can catch her on the phone is when she is going to bed. Naturally, with the living arrangements, I'm close to my FMIL and FSIL since she comes over alot and I babysit her daughter. So when it comes to planning and ideas, FMIL and FSIL are helping ALOT with just about every aspect of the wedding and trying to make it inexpensive since FH is paying for it. My mom is way beyond mad that she is not the main person planning the wedding, that FMIL has more than a minimal part in the planning, and FSIL is part of the planning at all.

My mom is also mad that we're not spending $350 to rent the VFW hall and are instead having it in FMIL backyard; as well as $150 for a dj and 3 kegs of beer for less than 60 people. The only thing she is paying for is my cake..... thats it. How can I tell her to stop being a pushy-pain-in-the-you-know-what while still having her somewhat invloved with the planning????

ljeagle · #15 01-19-2006, 04:13 AM

We are doing the unity candle at the ceremony. FMIL can't walk so this is what we are doing. Both mothers will have taper candles in there seats. They will light them as the minster is talking about them. The Best Man and MOH will get the tapers from the mothers and bring them to us and we will light the bigger taper and blow out the two smaller ones. I have nerve seen it done at the receptions...

Jacqueline · #16 01-19-2006, 01:00 PM

only thing i can say about yoour mum, is there a way that she could help pick thing e.g. if you took pic of say the diffrent invites you and FH likeand ask her tp pick one or something like that

as for her not being happy about YOUR'S and YOUR FH choise, just as clam as you can tell her it is what you both want, and that the day is about what YOU both want not her or your FMIL or FSIL

you could also ask for her help in finding a dress and colours for the wedding

hope this helps

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #17 01-19-2006, 01:39 PM

I can understand why your mom's feeling hurt. Probably the fact that it's at FMIL's house is like "showing the entire world" (i.e., whoever will be at the wedding) that your FMIL "won" or "has control of everything" or it is "her wedding." When, realistically, it's YOUR wedding, but a lot of MOBs feel like it's THEIR wedding as much as it is their daughter's (even if she's not paying for it). It sounds like mom is being pushy because she's desperate for some sort of control or, at the very least, recognition. I think the best way to get her to ease up is to acknowledge her emotions.

Something like: "Mom, I bet it must be really hard for you that FMIL and FSIL are helping so much with the wedding. I was thinking about how you might feel about us having it at FMIL's house and why you preferred the VFW hall, and I can see why you might think having it at FMIL's house is making the wedding about THEIR family, and not OUR family. Is that what you were feeling? ... I hope you understand that it's not my intention. They've been helping based on proximity not based on love or that I have some preference of choosing their help over yours. I love you, mom. I really want you to be involved in helping me. I'm sure planning my wedding with me has been a dream you've had for a long time, and I don't want you to feel that's been taken away from you and given to FMIL. ..."

I'm sure your mom is just heartbroken and is expressing that in anger. I would just make an effort to show her that you DO want her involved, even if she can't physically be there. At the very least you can email her pictures and ask for her opinion--assuming she has computer access. If not, then make the effort of mailing her pictures. Or, her one day she has off, make a point of heading over with fabric samples or dresses or flowers or whatever and let her go over the choices with you.

She must feel like FMIL just STOLE her daughter away--if you're living with her and she's planning your wedding, etc. I'm sure from your perspective you don't feel that's the case and FMIL could never "replace" your mom, etc. But it sounds like your mom just needs to hear that from you.

Chillchacha · #18 01-19-2006, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

I can understand why your mom's feeling hurt. Probably the fact that it's at FMIL's house is like "showing the entire world" (i.e., whoever will be at the wedding) that your FMIL "won" or "has control of everything" or it is "her wedding." When, realistically, it's YOUR wedding, but a lot of MOBs feel like it's THEIR wedding as much as it is their daughter's (even if she's not paying for it). It sounds like mom is being pushy because she's desperate for some sort of control or, at the very least, recognition. I think the best way to get her to ease up is to acknowledge her emotions.

Something like: "Mom, I bet it must be really hard for you that FMIL and FSIL are helping so much with the wedding. I was thinking about how you might feel about us having it at FMIL's house and why you preferred the VFW hall, and I can see why you might think having it at FMIL's house is making the wedding about THEIR family, and not OUR family. Is that what you were feeling? ... I hope you understand that it's not my intention. They've been helping based on proximity not based on love or that I have some preference of choosing their help over yours. I love you, mom. I really want you to be involved in helping me. I'm sure planning my wedding with me has been a dream you've had for a long time, and I don't want you to feel that's been taken away from you and given to FMIL. ..."

Hi Solar Flare and welcome,

My cousin had one garter on each leg and only offered the leg with the one to toss. They kept the other as a keepsake. I’m not sure if that is how it is traditionally done because I live in California and it is fairly laxed on customs and tradition. I have only seen the unity candle during the ceremony.

As usual, I agree with MTGH

lol. You mom has probably dreamed of planning you wedding with you for years and now she feels left out or replaced. Giving her a pet project and keeping her in the loop should help. My mom is a control freak and she thrives on drama so I only tell her about things after we have made decisions. Her pet job is to call family for me and give out or gather information for me from them. I figure she is going to gossip to them anyways so she might as well get my little cousin’s measurements while she is at it lol. It keeps her happy, me sane and there is no damage to our relationship.

Oh and I love your fairy, I simply adore fairies.

Solar_Flare · #19 01-20-2006, 06:01 AM

Chill, I like how your cousin put one on each leg. That would work perfect for me.
Thanks for everyone's support with my mom. She's just so fustrating. I gave her the task of contacting my relatives for addresses a week ago but she still hasn't done it. Yet my FMIL, FSIL and I must have been to 20 stores in the past 3 days looking at wedding stuff. FMIL also asked alot of people at work for ideas so now I have a diagram of the backyard and how it'll look when decorated (1 person included floating petals/candles in the pool

), a professional photographer who'll take our pictures for cheap, a bunch of garlands in our color we can have, and another person who'll tell us any deals she finds since her daughter is getting married in June too. It just doesn't seem like my mom is motivated at all to help yet wants it to be a "one-woman-show-which-is-her" thing.

Convo with my mom I initiated:
Me: What all should I think about for my wedding?
Mom: Well you have to think about your colors and your theme.
Me: Do you have any ideas or suggestions?
Mom: Well you'll have to sit down and think about what you want.

Convo with my FMIL she initiated:
FMIL: Have you decided some stuff for the wedding?
Me: Well we want it outside.
FMIL: There's a park just a few blocks down that is perfect. It has a gazebo and a pond. Or you can have it in the backyard. That would work out if you guys get married over in the far corner and I'll take that little sapling out for you if you want it back there.
Me:The backyard would be nice.
FMIL: Alright. I'll have Jim (FFIL) paint the fence white and Missy (FSIL) and I can hang the decorations for you. I have lots of lights that we can string up and Missy has some of that fake vine stuff we can drape around.
(this conversation lasted all night long with FSIL jumping in when she came over)