Eloping...well, sort of.

[Sapphire]

Okay, i've talked to Peter, and we've settled it. We're getting married just by ourselves and our very closest friends. Parents can attend if they want (which mine might not), and pretty much anyone can watch. We're looking for a small place to have the ceremony. I still get to wear my dress (!!! ) and he's still going to wear a tux..but without the reception and all that. It's basically just us. Here's the trick. We want to get married on the beach at sunset...or someplace nice ..but we can't seem to find someplace that will let us just be married and nix the reception stuff. Any ideas? I want to stay in VA, since it would make it easeir for my family (mainly my best friend/MOH) to come.

I have to get up to Ohio and tell my parents before it happens though so they can plan if they want to come. I'll savea lot of money on STDs (yay, I got to use the acronym!), invitations, favors, food, all that stuff. We are going to have that party as a combination with Peter's welcome home party when he comes back in 2009. =]

[justnmary]

JOP will do it where ever you want as long as you cover their milage. Atleast here they do.

In CA where I'm from, you can have a beach wedding on a public beach with minimal hassle. I think you might need a permit (like in a park), but its practically free.

The only kicker is that you can't do crowd control, and you might have some people watching or in your pictures that you don't know.

[NovemberGal]

I don't know if it is true all over VA (ie, whether it is state or local laws), but my friend was married in a public park in Manassas, VA, just by contacting the town hall and getting a permit. Check with the area you'd like, or look up the town or county website, to see if they've got restrictions. Then, like Mary mentioned, a JOP or other officiant can come to you.

[Sapphire]

wow, i didn't even think of a city park...there's probably some really nice ones nearby... And i thought that the JOP has to be at the courthouse and that's it. I'll have to look into that. I'm so excited...I'll have to take new pictures of my dress, cause I REALLY don't like the ones i took in the bridal shop. So i'll have to ask my coworkers and see if they'll take a picture or two. I havea tiara, but I think I'm going to make a flower thing for my hair instead. For what we're doing, a tiara seems excessive, so i'm just going to go with something that's more simple and elegant..the dress itself is really ornate anyways. =] I'm open to any ideas, if anyone has something that they did in something like this. I'm anticipating on no more than ten of us being present. I could see if he wants to be in uniform...that'd be cool. I think he's going to get a good camera and have a friend shoot. I just need one or two really nice pictures of us together to frame in a nice wedding frame for us. All the other pictures are just extra...nice, but extra. Maybe we can get a friend to take some...Like JustnMary said in another post that kinda related to this one...I can't let my parents dictate my actions. I'm still really young (22), but i'm not a child and am quite capable of making my own decisions. I believe God will guide me. Obviously Rich wasn't the right one, but he was a lesson to learn about others and myself. I think, like JustnMary said, my mother wants control...mainly, i believe, cause i'm her last daughter. I just hope i don't feel guilty about doing this to her and dad.

[Marge129]

OMG! You live in F-burg? I have TONS of friends down there!!!!!! (and I live in OH!)

[NovemberGal]

Originally Posted by Sapphire

I just hope i don't feel guilty about doing this to her and dad.

Invite them, see if they'll come, invite them to the welcome home/marriage celebration in 2009 (maybe there's something with that your mom could be involved in...giving her a specific thing that you're willing to let her control could get her off your back?). You aren't "doing this to" them. You're not running away from home, you're not even eloping without telling them. You're just having a very small, private wedding.

For the officiant, look in the phone book or online under wedding officiants, justice of the peace, nondenominational officiants. My point about the park might also hold for public beaches, I was thinking, if you're hoping for a beach setting.

Just try to focus on the fact that this wedding is for you and Peter to commit to each other, not for your parents to act out their fantasy wedding. Yes, it's nice when parental and bridal/groom...al(?!) expectations, desires, etc., match. But that just doesn't always happen, and you need to not let your mom stress you out, ruin your day, or take over your planning.

[morganova]

First of all, I totally missed your thread somehow and so I want to tell you now- congratulations on your engagement! I'm happy that you're happy.

Although I'm not sure that you've asked for anybody else's opinion about your plans, I really feel like I just want to say something regarding your parents. (please forgive me if I'm over the line here) I totally agree with the other girls about the fact that you are an adult and you can't let your parents decide things for you anymore. But I'm wondering if you're really giving them a chance. Your mother has expressed her disapproval, and it seems like your reaction is just to say, "ok, then we'll elope and you can come...if you want" Not knowing how much you've been through with your mom, I still really took that as a slap in the face to your mom. I think her reaction is completely normal, in that she's worried about you moving too fast after one failed engagement. What's wrong with that?

You haven't told them that you're engaged (because you're afraid to?), but you expect them to treat you like an adult. I'm not exactly sure how that all fits. Would it be so bad to slow things down a bit? I understand that you're in love with Peter, but you're both so young and have plenty of time. I know for me, the support of my family is one of the most important things in the world. I wouldn't jeopardize it for anything, or anybody. But that's just me.

[Emily]

Originally Posted by morganova

First of all, I totally missed your thread somehow and so I want to tell you now- congratulations on your engagement! I'm happy that you're happy.

Although I'm not sure that you've asked for anybody else's opinion about your plans, I really feel like I just want to say something regarding your parents. (please forgive me if I'm over the line here) I totally agree with the other girls about the fact that you are an adult and you can't let your parents decide things for you anymore. But I'm wondering if you're really giving them a chance. Your mother has expressed her disapproval, and it seems like your reaction is just to say, "ok, then we'll elope and you can come...if you want" Not knowing how much you've been through with your mom, I still really took that as a slap in the face to your mom. I think her reaction is completely normal, in that she's worried about you moving too fast after one failed engagement. What's wrong with that?

You haven't told them that you're engaged (because you're afraid to?), but you expect them to treat you like an adult. I'm not exactly sure how that all fits. Would it be so bad to slow things down a bit? I understand that you're in love with Peter, but you're both so young and have plenty of time. I know for me, the support of my family is one of the most important things in the world. I wouldn't jeopardize it for anything, or anybody. But that's just me.

OMG you took the words right out of my mouth!

I dont want to ruin your excitement but you havent known this guy for long, I know that when you know you just know - but if you really do believe that you want to spend then rest of your lives together then whats the rush? Also since you have just come out of a long term serious relationship, there can be no harm in taking this new relationship slow!

I am not meaning to bum you out at all, I just dont want you to rush in!

[Sapphire]

Maybe you're right...well, I'll tell you one thing that brought me to this decision...I brought Peter home about a month ago when he helped me get some stuff from up there. We brought his truck and it was really generous of him...but when mom realized he was there, she yelled me, in front of him to get him out of HER house and I had NO right to bring others into the house and she wanted him out, and all this mess. So I pulled things out of the basement and my dad and brother brought them outside, and Peter helped put them in the truck. The entire time I was downstairs, my mom was sitting four feet away from me, watching me like a hawk and didn't say A WORD to me the entire time. Not even a hello. Nothing. But if someone else came down, she'd talk to them as if nothing was wrong.

Now, please dont' think i'm a bad daughter or anything, but she throws fits like this all the time, and it's a well known thing in the family. I know this, but honestly, the woman is fifty years old and a mom of four. She and her side of the family always have this thing where they instigate trouble and watch it happen. It drives me nuts...and frankly, I'm tired of dealing with it. She yanked me around the entire time during my first engagement, and honestly, I would tell her, but I want to be happy. Once I tell her, she'll tell me wh at a mistake I'm making, how he's probably cheating on me, how he'll steal my things and drive me into debt and then leave me...And I really don't need that. That's why I'm just like, Y'know what? I'm getting married when I want to cause I'm done trying to make you happy. She told me when i last talked about Peter with her, that no man will ever be good enough, so i might as well give up trying ot make them part of the family....I'm really not trying to be tit for tat, but there's only so much ....but that might be an excuse for myself. I just don't know...Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I just keep tyring to please my mother?

[Emily]

Personally, and I might be out of line here, it sounds like you are hurrying this marriage up to spite her, if that is the case then you are getting married for all the wrong reasons.

I wish you all the luck in the world, but I still think that if you believe that you will be with Peter forever, then whats the rush?? Especially if you havent been together that long and with him being out of the country and all, how will you enjoy life as newly weds if you arent in the same country? Have you actually spent that much time together doing just 'normal' things? Do you know all is gross habits?? (everyone has them) I personally believe that you should live with someone for four seasons before you deicde you can spend the rest of your live with them! But thats just me!

[josali5]

okay trying to quote something so let me see if this works

Originally Posted by Emily

Do you know all is gross habits?? (everyone has them) !

HA HA I found this one funny because after ten years of living with my hubby! I just found something more annoying than anything he has done before...In the shower instead of taking the bar of soap and lathering in his hands he rubs the whole bar of soap over him EWWW! yes i know I swap spit with this man but yuck! !!! but I guess that is why we have 2 showers! LOL


But seriously if you love him you love him and if no amount of time is going to make your mom change her mind then go for it!!!
But she may have some valid points!! I'm on the fence!!!

Edited by feb-bride only to fix the quote part!

[morganova]

Wow. Well as far as that kind of behavior goes, I understand your desire to elope!! I have no idea how your father and brother deal with her if she's really such a man-hater. It's a pity to be so cynical, especially when you (her daughter!!) is so positive and doing great things with your life!

But, still I'm with Emily here - it all just seems fast and I think you should really be sure you're getting married because you want to spend a life with this person (and all the ups and downs it brings) and not just because you want and need to declare your independence.

[Sapphire]

lol see, that's the thing. I really do want to spend my life with him. I know that we'll be great together and have a long marriage...but I can't just do that when I want to. I have to play this game, and the way it looks, and I don't blame you guys for seeing it that way, it looks like i'm being a rebellious child who's trying to do things just to one-up her parents. It's really not like that. I just don't want to be crying at my own wedding b/c my mom is a black thundercloud. (without fail I always end up crying b/c of something either my mom or sisters say to me during hte holidays. but that's just 'how our family is') I'm not trying to spite my mom, in fact, I'd love her to be there and be with me...but I don't want her to keep my family from coming. My eldest sister got married cause she had a child (hteir marriage is great) and my mom didn't agree, so she kept our entire family from going. She didn't have any of her sisters, brother, dad, nothing. I just don't have the energy anymore to sit there and take her crap just because she's my mom. I wish she could just be not angry. If she wasn't angry, it would be fine, cause i wouldn't get six angry phone calls a day, emails, the whole shebang. I'm just ..done with her ridiculous behaviour. I just want to go home, sit in front of my parents and say "I'm engaged. The wedding is this date and I want you to be there."

And like Morganova said about the independence...I've been out of my parents house for five years. I never went back home during college. I moved right into a place of my own, got a job, got an apartment. I'm already independent. I just dont' know why she thinks the way she does.

[Julz518]

First of all - congratulations on your engagement!

Second of all - WHY do you want your mom at your wedding?? You seem to already know how it will turn out, that she will have a bad reaction, try to turn everyone against you, make you cry, etc. So WHY THE HECK do you want her there?!?!?!? I understand she is your mom, but if she is not going to be happy for you, then the only reason you would invite her is because YOU enjoy the drama (which would be understandable, since you were apparently raised with it, it's "normal" to you).

Third - I don't think that rushing your marriage is an appropriate response to your mother's actions, whether you want her there or not. Your relationship SHOULD BE INDEPENDANT of your mother's opinion/actions. You keep saying you want to elope so you can avoid the hassle that your mom would bring on... and in my opnion that is not a good enough reason, especially when you've only known the person for a few months.

There are lots of "good" reasons to get married sooner rather than later, I just don't think you have them. I think rushing the marriage will do more harm than good to your relationship, with both your FH and your parents.

But, that's just my

Good Luck!

[justnmary]

I can't say anything about the short relationship that your in because I had one, but I will say that all the girls have voiced very important concerns. Think long and hard before doing it. I didn't have a military man I had to get to know across the world. That makes a huge difference. I was with Justin every day.

[Sapphire]

Originally Posted by Julz518

First of all - congratulations on your engagement!

Second of all - WHY do you want your mom at your wedding?? You seem to already know how it will turn out, that she will have a bad reaction, try to turn everyone against you, make you cry, etc. So WHY THE HECK do you want her there?!?!?!? I understand she is your mom, but if she is not going to be happy for you, then the only reason you would invite her is because YOU enjoy the drama (which would be understandable, since you were apparently raised with it, it's "normal" to you).

Third - I don't think that rushing your marriage is an appropriate response to your mother's actions, whether you want her there or not. Your relationship SHOULD BE INDEPENDANT of your mother's opinion/actions. You keep saying you want to elope so you can avoid the hassle that your mom would bring on... and in my opnion that is not a good enough reason, especially when you've only known the person for a few months.

There are lots of "good" reasons to get married sooner rather than later, I just don't think you have them. I think rushing the marriage will do more harm than good to your relationship, with both your FH and your parents.

But, that's just my

Good Luck!

It's not that I enjoy the drama that my mom brings, nor is her behavior the 'reason' I want to elope. Yes, it is one a couple reasons, but that is what it is. One of a group of reasons. My mom is just that. She's my mother, and I have a certain respect for her beliefs and feelings. I don't agree with what she does, but that doesn't mean i"m going to completely discount her feelings altogether. Yes, I know that if I'm happy that's all that really matters, but I'm not going to be selfish about it. I'm trying to include her because we're family. If she flat refuses to come and throws a big fit, then that's her choice and her right to do what she wants. But I also have my rights to those same things in that I will attempt to be nice and try to consider her. That's just respect and compassion. I don't know what she thinks or what she's been through.

Again, as for the reasons...the main reason we want to have a tiny ceremony is because one, I don't need all the extra stuff. it's not important to me to have a huge reception and all. The marriage is more important than the wedding could ever be. Second, we simply don't have the money to do it the traditional way. Third, it's what both of us want. He doesn't want a huge to-do, and neither do i. I want something romantic and private, not a display for others to ooh and ahh at. Some disagree with me and that's their thing. For me, it's not. If my mother comes to the ceremony, great. If not, then its her choice. But here's the thing why i'm worried. She is my mother. I love her and I don't want to hurt her. She didn't speak to my eldest sister for five years. I dont' want that.

My marriage is independent, my relationship with Peter is independent. I dont' view him any different whether my family hates or loves him. Sure, its easier when tehy like him...but it won't change anything. I don't respond with my actions to her provocations. I just worry about it. At this point, my happiness is more important to me than hers is. She's watching out for hers, noone is watching out for mine but me.

[Sapphire]

I've never once said that I dont' care what my mom thinks.. if that's the case, then I wouldn't have this problem. I care what she feels and thinks and I don't want to hurt her...but I can't put what she wants ahead of what I want anymore. I do agree with you, my mom is right a lot of the time, and yes, she was right about the last time. Thing is, she didn't even give him a chance to even say hello. She can't validly say she doesn't like him or anything if all she's done is see him. See, when I talk to my dad about it, he's sort of agrees with me. He's not too happy I'm with another person right now, but he agrees with me that I have to do what makes me happy, not what mom wants for me. I have a great relationship with my parents, otherwise.

[wynelle]

I'm sorry, but I have to agree that you are moving this way too fast. You had a post less than a year ago showing us your dress and you were so excited and so sure that you wanted to marry the last fiance. You sort of said the exact same things you are saying about Peter. ETA: I just found your post about breaking up with Rich. It was less than 5 months ago--August 11th to be exact. I really, really am concerned that you are engaged to someone else only 4 months after breaking off an engagement. That isn't enough time to emotionally separate and heal. Poor Peter is sounding more and more like a rebound romance from your part, even if it is sincere from his part. And unfortunately, you haven't really had time to develop a true relationship with Peter before he left and went overseas. Its so easy to romanticize a long distance relationship because you aren't having to put up with the little irritants of normal life.

And there is a big difference in an "elopement" and a "small intimate wedding." If the desire is for a small intimate wedding, that's fine, but you need to give yourself enough face to face time with Peter to be sure that it really is forever-love this time.

And, yes, it really does seem like you are doing this to spite your mother. You are just sort of wishy-washy, changing the "whys" of the elopement and your mother's attitude, etc.

[Julz518]

Originally Posted by wynelle

And there is a big difference in an "elopement" and a "small intimate wedding." If the desire is for a small intimate wedding, that's fine, but you need to give yourself enough face to face time with Peter to be sure that it really is forever-love this time.

That's exactly what I was thinking... b/c besides your mother, your "big reason" for wating to "elope" is to have a small intimate wedding. But you can still have a small intimate wedding when your FH gets back to the US in 3 years. You don't HAVE to spend that whole time planning the wedding - and you SHUOLDN'T. You should focus on developing your relationship with your FH, and you don't need to start planning the wedding about a month before he gets back.

You kind of make it sound like your just in a hurry to get married... which is the exact OPPOSITE of what a mature and independant woman would want to do.

[Sapphire]

I can't expect to explain myself well enough to you all...I've never been great with words. I appreciate everyone letting me now their opinion, and I respect that. I've played the 'you'll be mature if you do (insert here)' or act a certain way game long enough. I understand that my title is not accurate, thank you for clarifying that.

As for my engagement and my relationship, I know that I love Peter. I could explain the nuances of what happened with Rich and why I don't feel attached to him, but there would be a slim chance of me not looking like I'm just making excuses, let alone you believing me. I trust myself to know what I feel and what's happened to me. And I know what I'm capable of feeling and when. It hurts that some of you ladies would cast doubt on my feelings and imply that I'm being less than devoted to Peter. I don't deserve that, I have done nothing to prompt sort of response. Some of you say poisonous words coated in sugar, although I think you have the best of intentions. I understand what you say about the wedding, but please do not cast doubt on my relationship. It does not make it any stronger or weaker to do so. It just offends and hurts.

I'm not upset that 'i didn't hear what i wanted to hear.' I'm upset that you feel the need to tell me I don't know what I'm feeling and that I'm using Peter. That's just...ill intentioned.

I thank you all for your help and comments.

[Julz518]

I agree with ladedah...

I don't think ANYONE said that we doubt how much you love Peter and want to marry him... but your rushing into it so just doesn't make any sense. I mean, you're going to get married, but then not be able to live as husband and wife until he gets back to the states! AND it is going to cause stress between you and your family and your FH ('course, not that waiting wouldn't...)

It just seems like it IS a big hassle (albeit a different kind) to have the "quick" small, intimate wedding, rather than waiting until he returns and having a small intimate wedding then.... so why not give yourselves the time, since it shouldn't make any difference in the long run.

[Emily]

I have one question that has bothered me a little - are you planning to marry Peter in the dress you bought to marry your ex in?

[Sapphire]

Well, it's looking more like we will end up waiting anyways. That's just how things are happening. He's talking with my dad, and I know he respects him. My dad tells me he'd rather us get married in a year or so that way mom and him can help out and be there. I suppose I can be married just fine later than sooner. You guys are right, there are other things i can work out in the meantime to help it go more smoothly.

As for the not loving peter, I'm referencing Wynelle's comment, "Poor Peter is sounding more and more like a rebound romance from your part, even if it is sincere from his part. And unfortunately, you haven't really had time to develop a true relationship with Peter before he left and went overseas." I may have misunderstood, but it seems to me like she is implying that I'm just grabbing at the first person without really caring about them or their feelings, or mine.

Emily, yes I am planning to use the same dress. I didn't buy that dress for my ex. I bought it b/c i fell in love with it and it is my 'perfect' dress for me. The fact taht I meant to wear it previously, but it didn't happen is fine with me. I bought that dress for my wedding, for me, and in a small part I suppose for the man of my dreams. That man is Peter. I was worried about having to buy a new one...but my dress is just that - MY dress...for me.

Thank you, ladedah, for not jumping all over me (like the ladies at The Nest do). I really appreciate the understanding from everyone. I have a lot of uncertainty right now, and I am glad you all are freely giving your advice.

[Emily]

I am sure that none of us ever wanted to make you feel like we were attacking you at all. The only reason questions have been risen is because we didnt want you rushing in and making a mistake - alot of our views are from years of experience.

I am really glad that you are going to wait, I think its important that you work on your relationship with your Mum now while Peter is out of the country.