Future Family Issues - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Blue82 · #1 09-11-2007, 10:35 PM

Hey all I'm new to this board, but I wanted to try and bounce some questions off you guys to see what a more objective mind might have to say/get some advice on. Here's some background to what I've been experincing, sorry it's so long.

I know that everyone has mother-in-law/family-in-issues, but I wanted to see how you all might handle some of things I have run across. First of all, my FMIL (whom I love to death and is a truly sweet woman) is probably the most clingy person I know. She tries to get together with her daughter/my FW at least once a week (besides the normal mother,daughter wedding stuff) and calls her once or twice a day. The get together usually happens on a weekend but not all the time. She's been divorced for about 4 years now and hardly goes out with friends. So she uses her daughter as her really only social interaction. Not to mention, since the engagement if something heavy has to be lifted or any kinda handy man thing comes up. I'm the first to get a call. In addition, if my FW doesn't answer the phone when my FMIL calls, she calls me two minutes later.

Secondly, not only is my FMIL clingy but my FW's extended family are very clingy. Everyone basically lives in the same town (it's dallas, not a small town) so they try and get together once or twice a month (however, lately it's been much more because when there's a birthday everyone gets together, there has been an abundance of birthdays) What makes it even more difficult is the complicated family issues involved (everyone has them I know). My FW's mother still comes to family events that her ex-husband's family throws, he's also a regular attendee with his girlfriend whom he started a relationship with while he was with my FW's mother. So everyone is on guard and there is this tension you could cut with a dull butter knife.

My first question is thus: How do you all I should approach this subject with my FW? I do feel like we need more quality time, dates and just hanging out. Also, my folks also live close by so by spending so much time with her family my family feels left out. My family isn't super close, my father was in the military so it's really my mother, brother and myself that share the close bonds. Which leads me to my to my next question: How do make my parents feel like I'm not neglecting them? None of this is a big problem now, but I feel that if these subjects aren't addressed then at some point they might be a big problems. Any and all advice is be helpful.

Julz518 · #2 09-11-2007, 10:58 PM

Hey Blue! Welcome to Pash!

I'm not really sure I have much advice to give you. Obviously, your FW was raised with all of her family very close, so you can't "ask" her to give that up - it's an integral part of who she is and presumably her family values are something that you love about her. You DO NOT want to try to come between her and her family. However, I don't think YOU have to feel obligated to attend every event, and your FW shouldn't "force" you to either. My FH often goes to his family's events without me, b/c of out of town or have other plans... and I actually find that I miss them

As for the tension between her parents... there really is nothing you can do about that. In fact I can't stress enough how much you guys should stay out of it. If it ever becomes a "real" problem, then it is the event host's responsibility to step in and say something.

If you honestly feel that her family's events are interferring with your "date" time and time with your family, then say THAT and make a few suggestions about how you could change it. Maybe have a "pay-day" date night, alternate holidays between your two familys, or only attend one birthday party a month. I think most marriage counselor's will agree that the key to a successful marriage is making your relationship a priority.

And if I were you, I would just talk with your parents. If you open up the dialogue now, then when they do start to feel neglected, then they will feel comfortable saying soemthing to you about it. Otherwise, don't worry - they're adults and it doesn't sound like they are that needy.

Good Luck!

wynelle · #3 09-11-2007, 11:07 PM

There is a difference in 'close' and 'clingy.'

I don't see this as particularly clingy, I see a large extended family that is close and is more than willing to welcome you into its midst. They would probably be willing to include your family with theirs.

It seems you have a much, much smaller family.

Can you have some type of mutual gathering once a month where you host your parents, siblings and her father? Even if you just meet at a resturant for dinner after work?

maroki13 · #4 09-12-2007, 01:59 AM

Welcome to Pash! I think the other ladies have some great advice for you. Instead of telling your FW that you spend too much time with her family, simply express your wish to spend more time as a couple (just the two of you) and more time with your family. That way it has a positive spin instead of a negative one.

Sorry I don't have much advice; I'm sick and kind of doped up on cold meds.

NovemberGal · #5 09-12-2007, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maroki13

Welcome to Pash! I think the other ladies have some great advice for you. Instead of telling your FW that you spend too much time with her family, simply express your wish to spend more time as a couple (just the two of you) and more time with your family. That way it has a positive spin instead of a negative one.

My first question would be, does your FW get frustrated at how often her mother calls her/visits with her? If so, then maybe MIL is too clingy, but it is up to your FW to deal with it, since the relationship is between the two of them. Beyond that, I think Maroki stated it excellently--phrase your concern as a wish to spend more time with FW, not a wish for her to spend less time with her family.

Now, if it really bothers you that MIL calls you if she can't reach your FW, and calls you for physical assistance around the house, then you should consider asking her politely to lessen how often she does these things. But unless it's a really big problem for you, just let it slide.

I'll just add here that I have dinner with my folks just about one night a week (weeknights, generally; sometimes I'm too busy at work and it's every couple of weeks) and I email and/or call one or the other of my parents several times a week. We see DH's folks maybe once a month, because they are much busier with job-related travel. DH rarely comes with me to my parents unless it is a special occasion, and that's fine. Couples do not have to do everything together, even when it involves family.

Oops...forgot...welcome to Pash!!

Heather · #6 09-12-2007, 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue82

I know that everyone has mother-in-law/family-in-issues,

I don't... Whole-heartedly love my in-laws, and we live 4 hours away from them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue82

She tries to get together with her daughter/my FW at least once a week (besides the normal mother,daughter wedding stuff) and calls her once or twice a day.

When I was planning my wedding, I would have given a limb to be that close to my Mom physically, but she and the rest of my family are 4 hours away in the opposite direction. I would give a limb now to be able to dinner with my Mom once a week.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue82

Not to mention, since the engagement if something heavy has to be lifted or any kinda handy man thing comes up. I'm the first to get a call. In addition, if my FW doesn't answer the phone when my FMIL calls, she calls me two minutes later.

If my older brothers weren't around to help my Mom - single, living alone for a long time and I'm sure at times lonely - I would have had me and my hubby up there (4 hours away from our home) to help with whatever she needed done. If we lived close, my husband would probably be there much, much quicker than either of my brothers would, without a question and without complaint.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue82

Secondly, not only is my FMIL clingy but my FW's extended family are very clingy. Everyone basically lives in the same town (it's dallas, not a small town) so they try and get together once or twice a month (however, lately it's been much more because when there's a birthday everyone gets together, there has been an abundance of birthdays) What makes it even more difficult is the complicated family issues involved (everyone has them I know). My FW's mother still comes to family events that her ex-husband's family throws, he's also a regular attendee with his girlfriend whom he started a relationship with while he was with my FW's mother. So everyone is on guard and there is this tension you could cut with a dull butter knife.

If my family all lived closer, it would be the same way - bdays, football Sunday's, Monday night Football, probably Nascar if I let them, and all of OUR dysfunction goes really well with my homemade Spinach dip and my sister's Chocolate Silk Pie. I can't begin to express how much I miss my family...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue82

My first question is thus: How do you all I should approach this subject with my FW? I do feel like we need more quality time, dates and just hanging out.

I would not say that she seeing her family so often is an "issue", because it's not. They sound very sweet and very close, and that should give you some relief despite the background drama that every family has.

It says A LOT about them, about who they are, when they're so devoted to attending even the smallest of events. It should be a quality within your wife that you appreciate - maybe not now - but if you have a family of your own, you will.

I would say to her that maybe having a date night -just the two of you - once a week, where you don't talk about the wedding at all, and just spend that time reconnecting. Tell her that you need that time, and I'll bet she'll respect it and probably appreciate it herself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue82

Also, my folks also live close by so by spending so much time with her family my family feels left out. My family isn't super close, my father was in the military so it's really my mother, brother and myself that share the close bonds.

This isn't your FWs issue, this is your issue. Why not invite them to the events to which you're going? I bet they would be welcomed with open arms - it sounds like a family that lives by: More the merrier! To me, they're the best kind of family...

Quote:

Which leads me to my to my next question: How do make my parents feel like I'm not neglecting them? None of this is a big problem now, but I feel that if these subjects aren't addressed then at some point they might be a big problems. Any and all advice is be helpful.

Are your parents feeling neglected now? I would simply do the same - find out what events or dates or birthdays they consider the most important, and then spend time with them during that time. You can even spend alone time with your parents if you're not up for going to the IL's house for the night/day.

For holidays, work out now how and with whom you will spend them. My hubby and I don't have a problem of dividing and conquering for holidays. His fam is 4 hours South, mine is 4 hours North. Sometimes it just makes sense - but you (or she) will have to get out of the mindset that you simply, must absolutely, without question, be together for every single holiday, for it to work. We've never been attached at the hip for this stuff.

If you insist on you two being together for holidays and other events, then simply alternate as someone else has already mentioned. You have to make the compromises work for everyone.

So, good luck with everything & welcome to Pash! We're here if you need us.

feb-bride · #7 09-12-2007, 04:16 PM

My husband used to feel the same way. He comes from a military family. For much of his life, family consisted of his dad, mom, and sister. His parents have siblings, but he RARELY sees them. With the exception of two uncles and one aunt, he hasn't seen any of his aunts, uncles, or first cousins in at least 20 years.

I come from a HUGE family; my dad has nine siblings and my mom has three siblings. Since most of them still live in the area, we see each other quite often. I am pretty close to all of my first cousins (there are a LOT of them!); we practically grew up together.

My husband used to think it was "odd" that I was close to that much of my family, but now he realizes that it's not "odd" - it's just not how he was raised. How we deal with things is that I don't force him to come to my family functions (there are a few exceptions - weddings and funerals are "required" attendance). Now, he actually comes to things voluntarily because he realizes how important family connections are to me.

I would not try to get your FW to spend less time with her family. If you think that your family is being neglected, you can always spend time with them while your FW is with her family. As for spending more time with your FW, tell her that you'd like to have a couple of date nights each month or whatever you need to feel more connected to her.

Cirig · #8 09-12-2007, 04:38 PM

The in-laws come with the package. I don't know what else to say. But I can tell you this. My family is very close, just like your saying. I speak to my mother 1-2 times a day. I could probably count on one hand the number of days that I haven't spoken to my mom since I've been married.

If my husband ever told me to take some space from her (or anyone else in my family), I would be PISSED. So I would tread VERY lightly on that subject if I were you.

And as for your family, I agree with someone else who said that it's you who needs to address that situation. Invite your family more often.

justnmary · #9 09-12-2007, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cirig

If my husband ever told me to take some space from her (or anyone else in my family), I would be PISSED. So I would tread VERY lightly on that subject if I were you.

Ditto

ladedah · #10 09-12-2007, 05:28 PM

I also am close to my mother and speak to her on a daily basis.....however, I live four hours away from my mom and only get to see her once a month or once every other month....

that being said, i do understand how you feel with being required to spend so much more time with her family than your own because my DH's entire family lives in the same town...and while they aren't actually as close as my family is with each other....my MIL tries to push those relationships by having frequent get togethers...I might also say that I am the only one of the daughter in laws who don't have my family close by.....I broached the subject with DH, not about spending so much time with his family, but that I feel I am neglecting my family and he goes to his family functions sometimes without me...perhaps you could go to visit your Mom and brother while your FW goes to her family functions....

Otherwise I completely agree with what was previously said....

BJC777SRL · #11 09-12-2007, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue82

First of all, my FMIL (whom I love to death and is a truly sweet woman) is probably the most clingy person I know. She tries to get together with her daughter/my FW at least once a week (besides the normal mother,daughter wedding stuff) and calls her once or twice a day.

Your FW will be very thankful for these times when her Mom is gone. Not trying to be morbid or anything, but I think it's important for her to spend time and keep close with her Mom. I'd do anything to have mine back and be close like this, and when I was planning my wedding...well don't even get me started.

That being said, I agree with the other girls in that you should just tell your FW you want to spend more time with her, and schedule some dates with her in advance