The MOH

[cru5h]

I've pretty much had it with my MOH. I've been incredibly supportive during her back surgeries. This is not the problem I have with her. I've gone to visit her, called her regularly since she lives pretty far away from me. She's the WORST about calling me back.

Her father works with Richy, and I know there are things she's keeping from me. She's having tons of problems with her too-long-term boyfriend. After this 2nd surgery (she didn't even tell me she's having), and not calling on Christmas, I still called her before New Year's Eve (NYE) and checked in with her. Her father tells Richy she's doing better after this last surgery, yet she doesn't tell ME that. She made plans to come to our house for NYE, but not only did she not show up, she didn't call. I told her we had presents for the baby, we agreed on a time she'd be here. Richy was talking to her dad, you know, "So-and-so said she was coming over with the baby and never showed up, she's OK right?" And he said that she spent the evening with her boyfriend's family. That's fine and dandy, but don't make plans with me confirming a time and everything, on the most heavily drunken night of the year, and then not show up nor put your balls on and call me.

I am BIG on washing my hands of people. It's VERY easy for me to do. The problem is, that she needs me to speak for her at her trial (the reason she's having back surgeries). I want to do this, because the principle behind it is this woman wrecked my friend's back and life, and tried to drive away from it, tried to avoid being sued when she was caught, and this wasn't her first infraction. She was driving a rental car when she crashed into my MOH, because of a previous accident. The bitch needs to be taken off the road. I want her to pay for the pain she's caused people. Even if this was a stranger I'd speak at their trial.

Part of me thinks my MOH is actually clueless to the fact that she makes the suckiest friend on the planet. The other part of me wonders if she isn't just hoping to maintain the bare minimum so I will speak on her behalf. Either way, I don't want her as my MOH. I don't want to depend on her for anything and have her take a crap on my morale instead. I need "how do you handle this person?" advice.

PS - this isn't the first time I've had to call her on the way she treats me. She apologized the first time, made efforts to maintain the relationship even when I left the option to let things go without there being any drama. This was all before her accident. She's habitually a bad friend. I know she's depressed. I know she has problems. But when you choose not to talk about them with anyone and then base everything you do off of them, don't expect people to know what you're going through or feel any empathy for you. Sorry this was so long.

[Marge129]

I'll be your MOH, Vic!

j/k.... it really sucks she's acting that way. It sucks even more you can't get ahold of her to call her out on it.

I would still speak for her at her trial... you may be subpoenaed for it anyway. But that would be about it. Like you said... wash your hands of her. Not sure how you should go about it, though.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

I've mentioned before that I've "broken up" with a couple of friends myself. And, it was for the best. If you're wanting to end the friendship entirely, you can do so. In as nice a way as possible (ie, try not to scream "you heartless b!tch!" )explain to her all the ways you've felt let down by her and why you feel you're better off ending the friendship. But do tell her that you still care about her well being and want to be there for her for her trial, so please do let you know when that will be.

I'll be your MOH!

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

LOL! Margie beat me to volunteering! We'll have to have some sort of competition amongst the PASHers vying for the position. Might I suggest a 1,500 word essay entitled "Why I Should Be Cru5h's MOH." Or some sort of an obstacle course where we don pink tafeta explosions with matching hat and parasol and then assemble and address 50 invitations as quickly as possible and then navagate through rice throwing, picture posing, a bouquet tossing tug-a-war, and ending with a wedding cake eating contest.

[Lizbet]

I agree that if you've already talked to her about the situation, and it has reverted to it's previous state, you should allow the friendship to end. Your "original" wedding for which she was asked to be MOH is no longer happening. If I were you, I would simply allow time to take it's toll. Since she doesn't seem to be interested in maintaining the friendship, it shouldn't be hard to let the connection slip away.

Do you plan to ask someone else to be MOH when you have your ceremony?

ETA: LOL at MTGH. You were posting while I was.

[bebe]

I remember you talking about her before on the old site. My friend Carla just had to ask her MOH to step down a few weeks ago. Her friend is leaving her husband and child and moving to the east coast for another man she met online and has never met in person before. She is feeling guilty about it so she is not returning Carla's calls. Carla basically said (paraphrasing) "You have a lot going on in your life right now that you need to focus on, and I understand that. And I am sure you understand that my wedding is my main priority right now. I don't want any problems with the wedding to come between us. I think in order to keep anything like that happening, it would be best for me to let you focus on what is going on in your life instead of asking you to do all of these things for me and my wedding. I still want you there, and I very much want you to be a part of the day, but I don't think having you as my MOH is fair to either one of us in our current situations."

I think no matter how you put it to her, it will still be a bit of a blow. But if you explain that it is as much for her benefit as it is yours, and it's not because you think she sucks (although you kinda do, but you don't need to be that brutal about it!) hopefully you can make that clean break fairly pain free. Tell her you still want to help out at her trial. If, at that point she decides to sever ties with you, I guess it won't be much different than it already is. I know it still hurts though. Especially when you try to be a good friend to her and she doesn't appear to do the same for you. Sometimes it best just to break free from those types of relationships. Sorry you have to go through this with her.

[bebe]

Oh that's hilarious MTGH! I would totally watch that if it were a game show. It could be called Wedding Gauntlet. That's great!

[Marge129]

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

LOL! Margie beat me to volunteering! We'll have to have some sort of competition amongst the PASHers vying for the position. Might I suggest a 1,500 word essay entitled "Why I Should Be Cru5h's MOH." Or some sort of an obstacle course where we don pink tafeta explosions with matching hat and parasol and then assemble and address 50 invitations as quickly as possible and then navagate through rice throwing, picture posing, a bouquet tossing tug-a-war, and ending with a wedding cake eating contest.

1,500 word essay?! But I thought I was done with school!

Obstacle course? Yeah... that's fair. Let's pair up the tiny size 2 woman against the huge preggo. My belly would get in the way of my stacks of invitations! Well... I would demolish you in the cake eating contest!

[Heather]

This is such a tough situation. My best friend (MOH) can behave the same way, a lot. The difference is, I put up with it because we both have our own lives and do our own thing. She's very, very busy and most of the time, so am I. (We live 4 hours away from each other though.)

If you'll allow, I'll play devil's advocate for a minute. I know first hand what back pain/chronic pain can do to your life. It doesn't just affect you physically, it affects every minute of your life mentally as well. In Jan of 2004, I wanted to die. Literally. Until I met my current doctor, I had seen so many who couldn't do anything for me and basically said: "too bad, you'll have to live with it." I couldn't. I wanted to jump off a bridge or take a hanful of pain pills. It affects everything you do. You can't go to the bank, the grocery store, driving hurts, standing hurts, sitting on uncomfortable chairs hurt, etc. It could very well be she was simply hurting and felt embarassed. I felt that way a lot, it made me feel weak and like a total wimp. No one understands what you go through physically, unless you've been there, and it's hard to explain.

I'm not excusing her behavior of not calling you at least. She should have. No doubt. I'm suggesting maybe giving her the benefit of the doubt. Try talking to her one more time about everything and if it doesn't get better, then write her off.

[Mrs.Levitt]

I have a friend like that, unfortunately. She's a good person deep down but because of a current relationship and depression she is also a sucky friend. And I tell her that. I take her calls and stuff but I don't make plans to hang out because she ALWAYS breaks plan or just plan old NO SHOWS. You just need to tell your friend how it is, you seem like a very honest person so it should be easy. Just tell her that you don't feel that close to her anymore, and she's becoming more and more undependable and that's not something you want in a MOH. You need someone whose just as excited as you are and someone you KNOW you can count on. My friend assumed she was going to be my MOH. So that was an interesting convosation when I told her I didn't want her in the wedding at all. We haven't been that close in the last year or more AND I couldn't depend her for the life of me. she was suprised and sad but I can't worry about her ditching or something weird. Just tell her straight up. I would dimiss her too.

[cru5h]

You guys work quick! Yes, the obstacle course will include other challenges such as stacking a pillared cake with 6 tiers, going through a mound of dirt in high heels to get to the other side, eating curried goat with plastic cutlery and choosing between three horrid bridesmaid dresses for you favorite. The essay will be typed, double-spaced and Arial font in 11pt. Thank you for your participation

Heather, had this been my first experience with her flakiness (how the hell is that spelled?) I would be a whole lot more understanding. But this is just the kind of person she is, and I have to accept that she'll never change. I've known her since the day she moved to Florida at the age of 15. I've seen the person she's grown into, and that's not a bad person. It's just someone I can't rely on, not even for the most simple things.

--Super-long story about crap you already know below--

She doesn't respect other people's time, and it doesn't matter if they care about her wellbeing. This back thing has been going on for 2 years now. I've been by her side for the whole thing, except lately because of the holidays and her not telling me what's going on. We've talked about her pain, I know she's been on a lot of drugs, gone through tons of therapies only to have them not work. I have been very understanding of her being depressed about having everything she knows taken away from her. If there's anyone who can put themselves in the shoes of another person it's me. But after a while, you begin to wonder if she's going to take this new "life" as normal and so something with it, or if she's going to do anything she can to be as close to her old normal self again. She was doing neither. And now that her surgery's been more successful, she doesn't have the decency to share that with the one person who whined with her about her pain.

I really hate that she refers to me as her "best friend" or "sister" when I don't feel the same way about her. Yet, she admits to being a bad friend. In the past I've made her feel better about it, "you're in a lot of pain, I don't expect you to be thinking of socializing, etc.". I don't expect someone who's drained just from going to the kitchen to pick up the phone and shoot the breeze with me. She knows that. I do expect that when I call you and leave a message on your voicemail to see how you and your child are doing that you find the time within a few days to call be back and let me know what's going on with you. She doesn't do that. If she does call me back the calls are almost always interrupted by something and she says, "I'll call you back," but never does. That is maddening to me because I'm a stickler for doing what you say you're going to do. A bunch of weeks will pass by before she calls me or I end up calling her to make sure she's alive. I'm just tired of it all, and I realize I don't need this in my life. She and I were both what the other one needed for many years growing up, but we're not the same people anymore. It's unfortunate.

--To answer your question LOL...--

I don't think I'll have a MOH. None of my old friends are reliable and I'm not too fond of female friends (IRL, online you guys are fantastic. Why can't you live around here!?) so I haven't made new ones. Richy's girls are my bridesmaids. I might just keep it at that. Then Richy can do his brother and BIL as his 2 groomsdudes.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

Originally Posted by cru5h

You guys work quick! Yes, the obstacle course will include other challenges such as stacking a pillared cake with 6 tiers, going through a mound of dirt in high heels to get to the other side, eating curried goat with plastic cutlery and choosing between three horrid bridesmaid dresses for you favorite. The essay will be typed, double-spaced and Arial font in 11pt. Thank you for your participation .

LOL! Do I get bonus points for knowing that was from the tacky wedding that almost drove you away from Bliss! I would SO nail the essay writing contest! I wished I lived closer to you. We would be "real life" friends.

It sounds like you are VERY justified in ending the friendship. There's only so many times where you can allow yourself to be let down by a person before you stop giving them chances. It sounds like she doesn't deserve your friendship. If she brings out more disappointment and negative feelings in you than positive ones, I wouldn't waste my energies on the farce of "friendship."

[Jennifer]

Crush -

I feel your pain on every level! FH and I made some BAD choices with some of our bridal party. Yesterday had to have been the WORST day so far. I went off on the best man on FH behalf. I don't want to go into everything here...but once I get back from lunch...I may have to, LOL!

PS - I gave a bridesmaid the boot...it was pretty easy actually.

[ladedah]

Cru5h...that just sucks, I can tell that you really want to give her the benefit of the doubt...but it's just draining to have people like that around. I fortunately got to rid of some friendships I felt were a little draining and at the time it seemed really hard, but now it's like a huge weight lifted of my shoulders. Good Luck

[Complicated Woman]

Cru5h, that sucks, girl. I know sometimes I can be a bad friend -- I have a tough time calling people up because I feel irrationally afraid that they won't remember me or don't really like me or whatever, so in a way, I can relate to her. I really only have close friends who are willing to initiate making plans, b/c for the most part, I don't call, although I'm getting a lot better at doing it. However, ditching plans, not sharing huge details like surgery or relationship problems -- there's still e-mail, right? -- even if she is phone phobic, she must realize that what she's doing is hurting your relationship. I can totally see why you would want to end this unhealthy friendship.

I wish we all lived closer together, too -- because I would totally KICK BUTT in an MOH obstacle course and I write a fine essay, if I do say so myself.

Seriously, I wish I could have you girls at my wedding.

[feb-bride]

This stinks for you, cru5h, but I think it's time to let the friendship die. At some point, you have to ask yourself if the friendship is worth what it takes to maintain it. If she had never been like this before her back problems, that would be one thing, but it seems to me (at least from what you've said) that she's been this way for a long time.

[sparklesweetie]

Lol, well, when we all get together for our convention, we can use MTGH's idea as an activity. Lol, I'm laughing so hard just thinking about a bunch of us in an explosion of taffeta and high heels runnning through dirt...and now I've made myself start coughing again. Too funny.
Cru5h, not having one sounds like a fine idea. Orginally, I was just going to have all bridesmaids, and not worry about the titles. Still might do that actually. Good luck!

[Kim&Bob2004]

In the end of August (remember we married in Oct) I had to give a BM a kick in the rear. Her family were family friends and she was a loner type of girl and I thought (Ok mom thought....... ) it might give her some encouragement to develop some friendly relationships. WRONG. I had known for ages that she was a no it all, but when she refused to dress the way everyone else was I blew it (a lot of issues leading up to that BTW). I didn't get real vocal, she wasn't worth it to me, but I did tell her she wasn't welcome. She didn't even want to wear the headdress, or carry the same flowers much less dress in the same outfit...... Anyway, here is how dense or egotistical she was, she thought my wedding could not go on without her. Another friend quickly stepped in and filled her spot and was a wonderful BM. I know it can be hard telling someone you don't want them as a member of your wedding party, and perhaps just telling her that you are not having a MOH, just the girls as BM would be a relief to both parties. Good luck!

[cru5h]

Wow Kim, she sounds like quite a lady

[roseprincess]

going through a mound of dirt in high heels to get to the other side, eating curried goat with plastic cutlery

LOL... I have SOOOOO done this many, many times! I'll take you on, MTGH, and may the best MOH-wannabe win!!!

I agree w/ the others that this "friendship" needs to be called off, terminated, whatever. Bummer that it has to be this way but it's not worth your disappointment. FWIW, I'm super phone-phobic (like CW) too but my friends know to try me via email if they can't get a hold of me over the phone... which is good thing right now, seeing as how the baby has learned to hit the erase button on the answering machine!

H, I almost cried when I read your post.

[cru5h]

I know it sounds like I want to talk a lot, but honestly, I'm a very low-maint. friend. The gaps in conversations we have span over weeks/months of time. As long as I hear from you without having to attach myself to your ass, I'm good. I don't like feeling like a stalker just to find out how someone's doing, especially since I'm not big on talking on the phone much myself. I'm really only calling out of concern, not to talk about breakfast and toenail polish, ya know? Why are polish and Polish spelled the same way?

[555Ann555]

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

LOL! Margie beat me to volunteering! We'll have to have some sort of competition amongst the PASHers vying for the position. Might I suggest a 1,500 word essay entitled "Why I Should Be Cru5h's MOH." Or some sort of an obstacle course where we don pink tafeta explosions with matching hat and parasol and then assemble and address 50 invitations as quickly as possible and then navagate through rice throwing, picture posing, a bouquet tossing tug-a-war, and ending with a wedding cake eating contest.

I'm up for that contest! And the cuuried goat gave me pause for thought... Where did I see that again??? Well done for spotting it MTGH!

I can't really add anything that the girls haven't already said Vic. You seem to have given the relationship as many chances as possible. It's not getting any better and isn't likely too. If it isn't worth anything to you as it is, or if it's costing you more to try to maintain it than your ever going to get back from it then let it go. If she really wanted to be your friend she'd have found a way to show you...

I think we're all guilty of being sucky friends at one time or another, we all get distracted by our own lives and our own problems, but if your friend points it out and gives you a chance to make it up you'd try your best to change. You wouldn't treat the friendship even worse than ever...

[roseprincess]

Originally Posted by cru5h

I know it sounds like I want to talk a lot, but honestly, I'm a very low-maint. friend. The gaps in conversations we have span over weeks/months of time. As long as I hear from you without having to attach myself to your ass, I'm good. I don't like feeling like a stalker just to find out how someone's doing, especially since I'm not big on talking on the phone much myself. I'm really only calling out of concern, not to talk about breakfast and toenail polish, ya know? Why are polish and Polish spelled the same way?

LOL, you are SO funny! I'll be your friend... I need another low-maint friend, my BF is like that and I love her for it. It's funny, we always start off our calls by apologizing to one another for however long it's been (she's busy going to school & working, I have the baby...) And YOU are right in this, you should never feel like you're the only one maintaining the friendship, that's crazy.