Invites

[averagejerseyjoe]

Hello all. I would like to apologize ahead of time if this post rambles, but I am in the middle of an anxiety attack right now.

I work with my future father in-law who is a MAJOR control freak. He's used to being the big fish with everything that he has to control everyone's life. Now that I've gotten that out in the open, let me get on with my issue.

When I proposed to my WTB, I told her that we need to wait a couple of years so we can save up and pay for this ourselves since her father has to have everything his way. Well she didn't heed my advise and we have what I call dadzilla.

The first incident that started it all was the church. First he told her that she had to get married at one of two churches. We don't like one of the churches so we chose the other one, only to be overridden once again by her dad. She told me not to say anything, so I didn't. Then when he found out how much the church wanted, he wanted us to pay half which I put my foot down and said no way since he insisted that we get married at that church.

Then now onto my current predicament.....when we went through the invites and I told her dad that I wanted to invite 5 coworkers, he flat out refused to let me invite them. His reasoning was because then he would have to invite other people. Then he tells me there is one person who he is going to invite, a higher up, since he's known him for years. I was bothered by that, but went with the flow. Since I moonlight my fiance said anyone at my other job is allowed on the invite.

Then one night we were working on the invites and I come to find out he invited another higher up! Now my blood was boiling! I was livid and I said something to my WTB. Her response was that I need to take that up with her dad. And that has been her response whenever this comes up.

Then when I told her who I wanted to invite from my other job, she gave me a hassle with one person. She said that her uncle becomes a racist when he drinks. So I told her that she isn't marrying her uncle. I thought this was the end of it until last night. Last night when working on the outstanding invites, she tells me that she didn't do his because I don't see him out of work. She is right, but I see nobody outside of work since I've been working lots of hours. But this guy has become a very good friend of mine.

I became very mad with that and I told her that I was upset with that and to put herself in my shoes regarding who I can and cannot invite. Then she tried saying that there was too many people. I quickly dismissed that argument since I know 6 no's. Then she trie brushing it off once again by saying I invited a friend she doesn't know. There are about 200 people here and I have maybe 40 invites!

This morning she calls me and I must admit I am still mad about it. I tell her that and she tried another sorry excuse as to me not allow him to come. I then threw a question at her. I told her to put herself in my shoes and if she was told who she can and cannot invite would she be okay with that. She said she, so I called her a liar. She then said it was only one person. I told her she is missing the point, that I am the only person told who can and cannot come.

She again made excuses for her dad and I told her that I am tired of him playing politics with our wedding.

Anyone have any advise what I can do to get my people invited? She has me so mad today that if I were to see her in person, I think I'd call this wedding off.

Please help.

Thanks for making it through this post.

[Julz518]

Originally Posted by averagejerseyjoe

Anyone have any advise what I can do to get my people invited? She has me so mad today that if I were to see her in person, I think I'd call this wedding off.

Quite frankly, I WAS kind of wondering why you would want to marry someone who has such a lack of respect for you. On this forum, we hear froma lot of BRIDES who clash with the Future Mother-in-laws over the wedding planning. It sounds like your situation is the same, except that since you're not the bride, they aren't giving you much say.

Are YOU paying for any part of the wedding? If so, then you need to put your foot down - tell your bride "Invite who I want or I'm not chipping in." If your not paying for any part, then you might be SOL b/c it really is her/her dad's wedding.

Keep in mind that there does need to be SOME give and take. I would suggest going through the ENTIRE guest list again, and picking out a few people from the brides side that YOU think can be cut, instead of your friend. Really, ONE person is not going to make that big a difference to the budget or space constraints. If your bride can't see that, then you two have bigger issues than the wedding... and putting it off so you can get pre-marital counseling and pay for it yourselves would be a VERY good idea!!!

[averagejerseyjoe]

Thank you very much for giving me that good advise. After having this little tussle, I've been thinking the same thing.

I will see her tomorrow night and tell her that we need to remove said people from the invitation list and negotiate it that way.

We are paying for limo, favors, photo/video, dj/band and rehersal dinner.

Thanks again!

[maroki13]

Welcome to Pash!!

I'm sorry to hear you are having troubles with your FFIL. I understand that we only hear one side of the story, but it does sound like your wife isn't giving you the respect and opinion weight you deserve in planning this wedding.

(a) She didn't wait to have the wedding so you could fund (and therefore PLAN) it yourselves, as you said you requested, and

(b) She isn't listening to your wishes about inviting a good friend, even though 1 person isn't that much of a burden on the budget.

All of that is simply based on the information you've given us.

I have to say, at this point it sounds like you have 2 choices. (1) Give in and understand that you probably won't get your way with anything from the wedding. (2) Call off the wedding.

The way I understand it, if you are sending out invitations (and receiving RSVPs already), you are probably about 2 months away, give or take, from the wedding. They probably have bulldozed you on several other issues throughout the planning of the wedding, and at this point assume they'll continue to get their way. It sounds harsh to call off the wedding, but I worry about your relationship with your wife and FIL in the future if they believe they can simply ignore your wishes and do what they want.

Obviously, not knowing either of you, all of the above is simply my opinion and can be ignored as you wish.

[favormakers]

I agree with the other girls. It sounds like WTB and in-laws don't respect you. I think that she shouldn't have you talk to her dad, she should do it. I mean would she expect if she had a problem with your mother that you wouldn't help by talking to your mother on her behalf.

I understand her father's logic in not wanting to invite your 5 friends who work for him because it would look odd that everyone is not invited. That whole because my uncle is racists when he drinks is unbelievable. I think as maroki said you have two choices call it off or go along with it.

I really wish your WTB would have listened to your original plan, in which you two save up for it. Thats the problem when other people are paying for it you feel like you have no say. I don't think any wedding is worth this much trouble in your feelings being hurt and not allowed to invite who you want but that's just what I think.

Good Luck

[feb-bride]

It sounds to me like your future wife is very spoiled and used to getting her way. Is she a huge "daddy's girl"?

Be forewarned - If she's acting like this now, it's not going to change once you're married. If she lets daddy run the wedding, she'll likely let him run the rest of your lives. Are you prepared for that?

Let us know how it goes. We are here if you need to vent!

[TheaterDiva1]

Originally Posted by feb-bride

Be forewarned - If she's acting like this now, it's not going to change once you're married. If she lets daddy run the wedding, she'll likely let him run the rest of your lives. Are you prepared for that?

I have to agree with the others - especially what feb-bride said. If there's ever a time to put your foot down and make yourself heard, it's now. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a bad precedent.

And no offense, but your WTB does sound like a major "daddy's girl." I'm wondering if she's even mature enough to get married. How old is she, if you don't mind my asking?

However, I do agree with your FFIL on one point - it's can be pretty sticky inviting certain people from work and not others.

Anyway, you have our support... please keep us posted.

And welcome to Pash!

[averagejerseyjoe]

Well hello everyone, I partially settled on this fiasco that this wedding is coming to. I have in fact invited the Africa-American, but unfortunately it's a no go on the co-workers.

But yesterday eclipsed anything done so far. Yesterday he asks me if I have a minute. So I go to his office and he asks for my full name, full address, and ss#. I thought it was him calling a favor in for the marriage license. He then tells me that he wants me to sign a prenup. Thank God for me that he didn't actually have it on his persons, because I would have been coerced into signing it. That was a shock and unexpected. So all yesterday I had 1 non stop anxiety attack until I was able to go to the fiance's office.

I then as my fiance if she was behind this and she said no. I told her she was lucky that she wasn't because I was going to leave and not come back. So I told her what happened and I told her that is the absolute last straw with him. 16 days before a wedding he is going to try and strong arm me into a prenup? Like hell!

I told her to tell him he does not speak to me regarding prenups. That he speaks with her only, and me with her. I told her to tell him that I will gladly sign the prenup once I see his son in-laws signed prenup. Wait, but he doesn't have one! I told her I am done with him and tell him we will pay back every red cent that he spent so far. I told her to tell him no more favors from me too. If he wants me to do work for him, my rate is $100 an hour.

She tells him all of this and she told him she didn't appreciate him doing this behind her back and she would never sign it. She told him he is not allowed to speak with me. He then tells her I should have been a "man" about it and talked with him. I was like he puts me in his power spot where I cannot fight, tricks me into giving him my personal information, and goes behind his daughters back and I am not a man? In the end she told him he will never get her signature and that if we are to end our wedding about it, then she will no longer speak with him. As for me, I wrote him off.

I also told her that he is not to have any power over us from here on out. I told her she is not allowed to accept a penny from him. I thought last night was the end of this to tell you the truth. I am pleasantly surprised that she decided enough was enough. So far he hasn't approached me, which I am getting anxious just waiting for the inevitable.

[RJE080703]

I am so sorry you are goin through this. I dont know the whole story, but what I just read sounds like you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself, and more importantly your fiance did too! I hope things get better. And just remember to breath

[averagejerseyjoe]

Originally Posted by RJE080703

I am so sorry you are goin through this. I dont know the whole story, but what I just read sounds like you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself, and more importantly your fiance did too! I hope things get better. And just remember to breath

Thanks for your kind words!

[Heather]

I agree with your FIL, you should have been a man and stood up for yourself. How can you be coerced into signing a prenup by someone who is not your spouse or anyone for that matter?

And, if you work for him - since you're about to charge him $100 an hour - wouldn't he have have your full name, address and SSN? Employers have that stuff on your first day of work.

Somethin' isn't sitting right with me.

[sparklesweetie]

Dude...I know this is only part of the story, but I have to say it...at this rate your marriage is doomed before it even gets started.

I think in this instance, FIL was right. Grow some and stand up for yourself. Think about this...with all these problems you keep having, do you really think they're going to go away after the wedding? I think not.

Good luck with whatever you do.

[anna32182]

Thank God for me that he didn't actually have it on his persons, because I would have been coerced into signing it.

this is the kind of attitude that makes your FW and FFIL think they can walk all over you. seems to me you need to sit down with your significant other and hammer this all out, sans daddy.

i agree with the majority...

...it's time to grow some.

[birdie]

You wouldn't ALLOW her to take any money from her father? If my DH EVER said I wasn't allowed to do anything. I would end it.

I agree with everyone else - you need to be a man on this. The decisions you made are going to follow you for the rest of your life. You could be man enough to actually say them outloud.

I agree Heather, something isn't right about this whole thing. Anyone checked other wedding sites for similar posts?