I woke up today for the first time in days with dry eyes. My dreams tend to reflect what is going on in my life so it was nice to wake up and not be immediately pissed off or sad.
I’ve thought about calling my mom and talking to her about what has been going on. I think that she would take it worse than I have though. She has my husband on a pedastal that even I know isn’t that sturdy.
Marriages tend to come and go in our family so easily. I want to be different, and I want to prove to the younger members of my family that a successful marriage can be achieved. Do I have a successful marriage? Right now I don’t know. There is a part of me that knows without a doubt that I do. But again that little voice keeps saying: “Not without work.” I’m okay with that. I think divorce is the easy way out and as angry as I’ve been, that word has never crossed my mind. Leaving him for a few days - yes, but divorce, not on my life.
My husband has been looking at counselors as I’ve mentioned before. I think that I need it more than he does. I can hold a grudge for years and years, and I will make him pay for just as long. I don’t want to do that. If we’re arguing about the color of a wall, I don’t want to throw it in his face that he has lied to me, and I will. I will put this man through hell for a long time. I know because I’ve done it in past relationships. When I explained this to my husband, he said he’s willing to go through hell for the rest of his life if it means I will stay with him. That isn’t a marriage. I think he’s suprised that I’m willing to work on everything with him, and learn the tools we’ll both need to make it through the next year or so. It again goes back to why he didn’t tell me in the first place - he thought I would be gone with no questions asked.
He’s done underestimating me in a variety of ways and I can see that when he looks at me.
I love him so much, and even as I wipe away tears right now (so much for dry eyes), I feel a sense of relief in knowing that I haven’t been crazy in thinking something had happened at some point. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that I’m thinking clearly for the first time in years.