I received the latest issue of Martha Stewart Weddings to add to my existing collection and what a delight to read as usual.  In the mag, they highlight the beautiful color duet of chocolate brown and lilac.  The very color pairing I wrote about in my article titled “Trendy Color Palettes for Today’s Weddings“.  It’s such a beautiful color combination.  Our sensibilities are so aligned!    The issue, also, highlighted this couple who got married and have been friends since the 4th grade.  So, playing on that fact, all their decor, stationery and accents reminded you of grade school:  ruled notebook paper, red apples, jumbo pink erasers, etc.  They even rented the old wooden desks and chairs!  Very elaborate but so cute!  As I have proclaimed my love of all things letterpress, I especially loved the letterpress stationery!

Well, this isn’t exactly a wedding-y post. I’m sorry I haven’t updated in a little over a week. I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and thinking to get through the loss of my job and students, and I think I can see the other side now.

On Sunday night, my last night with my students, I closed with a sort of pep talk. I told them that I was sorry all of this had happened, but that I loved them and believed in them and that they’d always have a special place in my heart because they were a part of me living out my dream. And of course I cried, and they cried, and it was miserable. And then I told them that even though this was terrible, it was giving them a chance to stand up and be faithful and support the new volunteers and to pray for the church. They were getting a chance to show their character.

And when I said that, I believed it was true. Something clicked. As lousy as this has been, I too have had a chance to show my character. And I like who I am. I am proud of myself. I’ve taken a stand for what I knew was right at great personal sacrifice. I’ve been wounded by people who I loved, who I would have laid in traffic for, and I’ve still gotten up in the morning and done my job to the best of my ability. I’ve not lashed out or tried to retaliate. I have been faithful. To quote the apostle Paul, I have fought the good fight.

I’m not a hero. I’m not the winner. I’m not the golden child. But I don’t need to be. For the first time, I think I see myself as I am: a woman of strength, integrity, and faith. Things didn’t go the way I’d hoped, but I can walk away with my head held high. And that’s a pretty amazing feeling that cuts through the darkness and lets the light in.

And you know, I was feeling so miserable because my dream has ended, but you know what? I lived it. For two years, I got to do exactly what I wanted and pour myself into ministry. I did it. I wanted this and worked for it and I got it. It’s been a voyage and it has been glorious.

And even now, I am happy.

I can’t believe as I’m typing this that we have been married for almost 6 weeks.  The time has flown by so quickly!  And we’ve settled into a routine so quickly, it sometimes seems we’ve always been married.  We are settled into our house and keeping busy with that, but the thing I love most about marriage so far and our routine is our time in the morning together.  Now that I’ve started my job, we get up at the same time and spend some time together before leaving for work.  Neither of us are really morning people, so it is often silent company, but we enjoy each other’s company and give each other strength and support for the day. 

I feel like each day we’ve been married, I love him more than the day before, even though nothing in our relationship has changed from the day before.  It mystifies me.  I am so happy, secure, and content.  I love being married!  Some friends of DH’s asked him if he felt more tied down now that he is married.  When he told me that, I realized I actually feel more independent, and I can’t really explain why. 

One of the most amusing things that has happened so far throughout our marriage has been DH’s re-enactment of an older woman hitting on him at the bar during one of his shows.  DH is a sweet, friendly, laid-back guy, and he is never rude or mean to anyone.  So I can just imagine this woman (I wasn’t there) continuously flirting with him and throwing herself at him.  He finally said “Can you not see this ring on my finger?  I’m married.”  And I guess she finally left.  I actually find this more amusing than anything…..that she completely ignored his ring and thought she would still get somewhere hitting on him.  I tease him about it sometimes, which makes me realize how secure I am in my marriage and my position as his wife.  And I love it.  :) 

Well, it finally happened. Some dear soul asked me how I prevent myself from being sexually attracted to Tom. Since I sort of hang out at a church a lot, it was bound to happen sometime.

How on earth is a normal human being supposed to respond to that?

Sometimes I get a little spooked by the perversion of sexuality that I see in Christianity. Don’t get me wrong, I see a perversion of it in society at large, too. It bugs me, the way our consumerism enters into even what I believe is a sacred act of devotion, love and intimacy. I wince when people gape at me, saying, “Well, you’d test drive a car first, wouldn’t you? I can’t believe you haven’t had sex!” I see a few problems with this analogy.

Primarily, Tom is not a car. He doesn’t exist for my pleasure and satisfaction. He is a living, breathing human being with thoughts, needs, and emotions of his own and I love him. We have a chemistry that is obvious, and if it doesn’t translate to the mattress for whatever reason, we will read Kama Sutra books and eat oysters until the cows come home and we will figure it out together, just like everything else. My sexual satisfaction is not something I value more highly than I value intimacy with him and obedience to that which I believe I am called.

But it also bugs me when some misguided person gapes at me, saying, “You mean you ARE sexually attracted to him? Don’t you think that’s of the devil? Shouldn’t you leave him, since you should avoid anything that leads you to sin?”

My response yesterday was something like, “No, I don’t think it’s of the devil, and no, I will never leave him. We’re getting married and sexual attraction will serve us well. But thanks for your concern.”

And as they walked off, praying quietly for me under their breath, I wanted to shout out that sex isn’t bad. It’s not bad. It’s not wrong to love someone and to desire them sexually. In fact, it’s good. It’s a part of loving someone. The issue is not that of repressing natural, healthy desires but simply, as I said, of acting in a way of obedience to what I think I am called. I don’t think I’m called to marry someone I find unattractive so that I feel no lust for them throughout the course of our relationship. That’s silly.

And furthermore, it would hurt that person just as much if not more than it would hurt me. I’d feel awful if Tom didn’t think I was beautiful and sexy. It’s part of the deal, in my opinion.

I think all of this odd approach stems from the language in Christian culture of “sexual purity”. Purity? Eesh. As though sex is dirty, bad, awful and then bam, you get married and it transforms into this blissful thing. How do you get out of that dirty, bad, awful thinking? How does sex become pure? If all throughout one’s engagement, one totally denies sexual attraction — not contact, but simple attraction — what would make it appear and be beautiful on the wedding night? I don’t know, maybe I’ve got it all wrong.

Now, I know what I’m about to say doesn’t ring true for everyone, and I totally respect that. But to me, the answer is simply that sex outside of marriage is a misuse of the good gift God gave us.

And so, in conclusion, Tom’s not a Volvo and I’m not a sex crazed Satan worshipper. And that’s going to have to be okay.

Is it wrong to kind of want pre-marital counseling?

Furthermore, is it wrong to want pre-marital counseling because I am hoping to get some kind of vindication through it?

I guess I know the answers to both of those questions (no and yes, respectively) but the answers don’t change how I feel. It’s not that Tom and I are having any real problems, not at all. But when I try to view our relationship rationally, I do see what look like the seeds of chronic bickering being planted. And sometimes, I have to confess, I am afraid we will be awful at being good to one another, having had lousy examples in our own parents.

We were at my mother’s house yesterday for my sister’s third birthday, and I could not believe how disrespectfully she spoke to my stepfather in front of his whole family. At first I had thought I might just be hypersensitive to her words, since I have so many personal issues with her. But as the night progressed, my stepfather’s parents looked more and more uncomfortable, and I could sense his mother wanting to defend her son and biting her tongue. My step grandmother (which is so funny to say, because she’s only fifty — my stepdad is quite young, closer to my age than my mothers) and I have a good relationship. We’ve never talked about our mutual frustration with my mother, but somehow it hangs in the air between us and we know there is a kindred spirit there. As I watched her, I felt so sad. Her son, my stepdad, is a good man. He adores my mother and sister and my brother and I, and he has always done right by us. I hate the way my mom treats him, like he can’t do anything right, like he’s a burden to her or a child in need of rebuke.

My stomach gets in knots when I think about it, because what in the world is going to keep me from becoming like that? That’s what I know, how I was spoken to, that’s all I’ve seen. And I like to think I’ve come past it, but to think I am immune to falling into my mother’s patterns seems arrogant and foolish. I never want to sit in front of Tom’s mother and berrade him without even knowing I’m doing it. I always want her to know and be able to see that I love her son, that I respect him, that I admire who he is as a man and a partner. I never want her or anyone to look at us and be pained by the lack of love and kindness between us.

But it’s said that we inevitably become our parents. I do see some of my mother in me. I feel her rage and irrational mood swings swell up. I feel this odd desire sometimes to push and push and push Tom to make him prove he loves me, a trick I watched her play on many men, and one she played on me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not really just trying to prove to myself that my mom was right all along and that no one would love me if they knew me intimately. But at any rate, all of these things, I choke down and I fight against. For the most part, I succeed. I can say with confidence that I treat Tom well, that I make evident how I feel toward him.

But can I do this forever? Will I always struggle, will it get easier? Will I just give in and do what I know, what I’ve always known? It’s hard to erase and redefine the way you’ve been taught to interact for years.

And with my boss and his wife leaving town, I feel like we’re losing the one couple we’ve been able to look to throughout our relationship as an example. That’s scary to me. We’ve both been so encouraged by their attitudes toward one another, their love for their children, their parenting and relational skills. They have been kind enough to offer us advice and listening ears, to share time and life with us. And we want to have what they have — we want to give to our children what they give theirs, a loving, stable home and an example of a beautiful, healthy, happy marriage.

People ask me often if I have doubts about getting married, and the truth is I don’t. I don’t doubt Tom or our commitment or our love and I don’t doubt that marriage is a good thing that will make us both better in the journey. I never feel like I’m missing out on something bigger or better.

The only thing I doubt is me.

Jones Soda

M&Ms

Heinz Ketchup and Mustard bottles

Do you know of any more?

I go completely ga-ga over letterpress stationery.  Since my first intro to them while reading a Martha Stewart Weddings mag, there was no turning back.  I love running my finger over the deep impressions that the letterpress process is known for.  I have recently added some a line of affordable stock letterpress thank you cards for bridal and baby in beautiful designs.  Below is a link to a Flickr photo album that showcases some pretty designs for me, ahem, for YOU, to drool over…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/elizabethtaylor/155303646/in/photostream/

Yesterday was my first day of work teaching first grade.  Not only is it my first year teaching, I’m learning new curriculums and am teaching at a school that is already in chaos because of administration and staff turnover.  So I’ve pretty much been on my own, which has been stressful and strengthening at the same time.  I’ve been excited to start school, my room has been all ready and I’ve been waiting for the kids with anticipation and excitement.  DH has been so supportive and excited for me; he took me out to a surprise dinner last night to celebrate my first day of teaching and said he bragged about me all day to people at his work.   

Today was an extremely hard day though.  I didn’t feel like I had control of my class at all (I have an extremely tough class) and lost it at the end of the day.  DH is still at work when I get done with school, so I didn’t talk to him for a couple hours.  When I did talk to him, he just about dropped everything because I was so distraught.  I wanted him to go to band practice so I could have some alone time, but since he has gotten home he has waited on me hand and foot, and has drastically changed my mood.  He hasn’t pushed when I’ve said I don’t want to talk about my day.  He is making dinner right now for me, brought my laptop out to me (I’m vegging on the couch) and has been rubbing my feet.  And during all of that, he has been really supportive and reminding me that I am a great teacher, and everyone has bad days, regardless of their experience or ability. 

His support and ability to make me feel better has completely changed my day, and I am so grateful for him.  I often think about how thankful I am to have him in my life, looking over me and supporting me, and tonight is no exception. 

Well, as some of you might have heard, I’ve resigned from my job.  It’s been a really strange journey, and sort of the death of a dream for me.  I really loved my job and my boss and am sort of reeling from the loss.

So, in response, one of my bridesmaids and I sugared the fruit for the now infamous centerpieces today.  Because, you know, when life hands you lemons, you should incorporate them into your wedding somehow. 

 It was one of those surreal sort of moments in my life, as we sat and talked about some of the most serious things we’ve ever discussed while up to our necks in Modge Podge and wax fruit. 

Sometimes I think life is so extremely interesting.  A year ago, I would have never believed you if you told me I’d be quitting ministry right now.  A month ago, I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me I was going to spend one of the hardest days of my life covered in glue and granulated sugar.  But somehow, even in the midst of garbage and darkness and disappointment, there is room in me for laughter and light and joy and a bunch of plastic grapes.  I am learning a lot about myself and my friendships these past months.

And in some ways, the death of this dream really feels like a rebirth. This heavy weight is being lifted and I feel like Tom and I are ready to face anything together. We had no idea we’d come up against such trying times so early on in our relationship and I think we’re both relieved to be coming out on the other side of it all. We’re reminded of what amazing friends and families we have and even though right now, life still sort of sucks, I know we’re getting through it and we’re going to be okay. And that’s a pretty good feeling.

I found more nice wedding favor ideas from the folks on Flickr:

(via angirankin)

These are nice favors for a fall theme wedding:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/harmonweddings/83138668/

I love the packaging of these party favors.  I don’t know what’s wrapped inside but the pkg is beautiful:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/moviesofmyself/114512310/

(via Addie Mae and Ryan’s photostream)