Romance novelist Victoria Alexander and her husband recently cancelled plans to attend an out-of-town wedding because their children weren't invited. "We probably could have found someone to watch the kids, but my husband was really into the whole family gathering/wedding idea. Since it wasn't going to be that kind of event, we decided not to spend the time and money to go."

   Ultimately, the bride and groom decide whether children will be allowed at their wedding. As wedding consultant Laura Bauer of Elegant Events Ltd. points out, the reception is their first social event as a couple and sets the tone for how they're going to entertain guests in the future. With wedding costs skyrocketing in the last ten years and receptions becoming more formal, many couples choose to invite adults only.

   Those who do should brace for not only friction but also defiance. "It's invariably a problem," says Ann Nola, director, Association of Certified Professional Wedding Consultants. She recalls a personal experience where parents wouldn't come because their child wasn't invited, and a friendship was over. "That's how strong parents feel. Every parent thinks their child is an exception to the rules." 

  Careful wording of "Adult Reception" or "Adult Celebration" is considered acceptable as corner copy on a reply card. "Still, people get RSVPs with kids coming," notes Karen Casey of I Do Weddings.

   "Guests have lost their minds," agrees Bauer. "If the invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, it's obvious the children are not invited. Guests should be considerate of the bride and groom. Children under 12 don't belong at late-night formal affairs. Couples are often invited to everyday events without children."

   While guests should respect the wishes of the bride and groom, the couple can minimize friction and be sensitive to the needs of parents by:

       -Making the policy consistent.
       -Passing the word through the grapevine.
       -Providing alternatives--a licensed sitter at the hotel or a pre-wedding party that includes children.

   Alexander likes the idea of alternative arrangements. "If you're coming in from out-of-town, you don't know anyone who can watch your kids. Why not arrange for a babysitter for all the kids involved at the home of a relative? That way the kids will enjoy being with other kids, and parents won't have to worry. Even if the kids aren't invited to the wedding, maybe there's some other event they can take part in so they don't feel quite so left out."

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