When you’re getting started with your wedding plans, you’re going to feel all kinds of emotions. Mostly excitement, but there’s going to be a degree of fear – what if I make a mistake? Some of the biggest mistakes in wedding planning can cost you lots of money, wreck your big day, or just generally make you miserable throughout the entire process. So since we want you to enjoy this time in your life, we’ve collected the most important Don’ts so that you don’t make the most common mistakes that other brides and grooms have made! Read on and learn what you shouldn’t do, and also what you should do to get it right, right from the start:

1. Rushing Into the Wedding Plans

You’ve just gotten engaged, and you’re going completely wild with the planning, sometimes before the sun has set on your first day of engaged bliss. Your groom has been shoved aside as you run to your computer and start searching for the reception site because “It has to be done NOW!” Grooms say they get a little bit frightened when their brides explode like a shaken-up bottle of champagne, with such intensity about the wedding plans that they wonder who this woman is. “Where did this insanity come from?” “Why the big rush, and can I maybe have a kiss first?” “Can we call my parents and let them know we’re engaged before you book our florist?” I’m exaggerating, but the pent-up, speed-demon approach to wedding planning takes all of the fun out of it. The groom gets left in the dust while you’re making best friends with everyone on a wedding message board and accepting their congratulations before you share the news with your own inner circle in a pure form. It’s like a switch is flicked, and your only thought is “I’m going to be the BRIDE!” instead of “I’m marrying my best friend, and we’re going to have a wonderful life together.” Every newly-engaged couple gets that rush of excitement about the planning to come and the dream wedding day to plan…just let the initial thrill settle into your bones for a while and focus more on sharing this time with your intended rather than springing into planning mode. There’s plenty of time for that later. Plenty of time, even if your wedding date is less than 6 months away. Wedding details can come together quickly, but you’ll never get this moment in time back again.

Don’t: Rush right into planning mode.

Do: Take a week or so to make it all about your relationship. The groom has been through a lot of stress and worry about the marriage proposal, so he could use a nice chunk of time that’s all about romance and appreciation, quality time spent together, and your thanking him for doing such a great job with the proposal plan. Now and onward into the future, make some Couple Time a high priority.

2. Not making a Priority List

Speaking of priorities, your wedding plans will come together much better if you create a Priority List of the top wedding elements that you want the most. And do it now, before your parents chime in with their wedding wishes, and your vendors start making suggestions. What’s tops on your list? The catering? The entertainment? The flowers? Write out an actual list of the top 5 areas where you’ll decide as a couple How It’s Going To Be before you bring in any partner planners like opinionated parents. Things get mucky when, say, the groom’s mother goes way ahead of your plans and requests certain items on the menu or a pianist for the ceremony, and you and the groom don’t have any plans of your own in place as a way to protect your vision. It’s true…some parents know that they’re getting ahead of you, so this is how they insert their own wishes into the day. Then, because you want to be nice and agreeable, you feel obligated to say Yes, which often leads to your being mad about saying Yes because you wanted to be nice and agreeable. See how that works? So prevent any possible encroachment on your wedding plans by discussing your most important wedding elements first, and being a united front about it (more on this insight later!). If parents want to suggest plans for a category that’s not on your priority list (like the favors, for instance), then you can say a healthier Yes without feeling bossed around. You’ve already established that you don’t have strong feelings about the favors, so it’s not a problem if they flash forward to ‘snag’ a plan.

3.  Not researching what things cost before you make a budget or talk money with parents

The prices out there are going to shock you. So when it’s time to talk dollars and cents with parents who will pay for part or all of the wedding, it’s a pretty big mistake to operate under the assumption – or let parents operate under the assumption – that the site will charge $50 per guest when the real figure is actually closer to $150 per guest. Having confusion at the outset of your money plans almost always leads to stress -- money issues will do that to any wedding planning group – so make sure you pre-research what packages and products actually cost. This is a big investment of time, since you won’t find prices online at most vendors’ sites. You’ll have to set up a phone or in-person consultation, or get price sheets at bridal shows, visit their shops and get their price packages, etc. It’s the wisest move for you to arm yourselves with the actual costs of every element of your wedding plans, knowing that in many cases what you want could cost an even higher amount. But you won’t set yourselves up for frustration and fights by walking into the parents’ meeting with no figures or outdates figures, having them promise to pay for the catering or the cake, and then springing it on them that what you want actually costs five times as much. Parents hate the big-money surprise, and some parents actually jump to conclusions that you’re trying to rip them off, that you ‘did this on purpose.’ Sad, but true. There are all kinds of parents out there, and if you don’t have an established relationship with your future in-laws, this is not a good way to start off with them. So, this mistake went from your not knowing to pre-research actual prices right to ‘she’s trying to rip us off!’ That’s what wedding-centric mistakes can do. They elevate insanely quickly, people get dramatic and a little bit paranoid, and you wind up in the hot seat. This applies even if you’re not planning with parents. Your groom might also resent not knowing what things cost if you’re planning together.

Do: Research well to get a range of detailed package explanations and prices. A good wedding coordinator will have these printouts on hand, so it might be a wise idea to bring in an expert to help with your plans. Some coordinators can be hired just to help find your sites and vendors, and they might be able to get you budget-friendly prices. They can also sit down with you and your parents to present the prices with authority.

Don’t: Ask for financial commitments from parents without knowing exactly what is expected of them.

4. Not having firm boundaries on what parents will do to help

You’ve seen the traditional etiquette lists of ‘What the Bride’s Family Pays For’ and ‘What the Groom’s Family Pays For,’ and you know that many wedding couples have thrown those lists out the window to custom-create their own plan. Parents might be of disparate income brackets, so the groom’s family might be in a better position to pay for the reception (which they really want to do), and so it just makes sense to you that parental financial contributions should be pooled into a fund that you’ll manage rather than having your parents strain at their finances while the groom’s parents get a big No from you. You might also have a situation where your parents are extremely bossy, and their financial contribution comes with lots of strings attached (“We’re paying for it, so we’ll decide which band to hire!”). Mixing parents and wedding plans can be a tricky situation for many couples, and a big, big mistake is inviting them into the plans without a gameplan of your own for them. Some parents turn into veritable kindergartners, wanting to get their own way, and not afraid to go behind your backs to slip the invitations designer their wording demands. It’s stunning and sad to see what lengths some parents will go to…they forget that they’re the parents, and the meaning of the day is your happiness. Having money, to them, means having power, and they lose sight of the fact that it’s an admirable thing to have the resources to give their son or daughter the dream day the couple wants. It happens all the time. So prevent this enormous and ever-expanding mistake (that will come up again and again and again during the wedding plans if you don’t take the smart step now) by sitting down as a couple to decide exactly what your parents will be involved in. Who’s going to get the rehearsal dinner if you’re paying for the entire wedding? It wouldn’t be fair to let the groom’s family have it on their own if the bride’s family didn’t get anything to plan. Who’s going to attend the cake tastings with you? The menu tastings? Who will go with you to tour potential wedding sites? List it out so that you match each family’s involvement with what they’d like to do and what works best for you. It could be that you don’t want the parents at the site tours. You know that your critical father is going to suck the fun out of the entire day, so it would just work best for you to tour on your own and avoid the question of leaving out your parents and taking your groom’s parents. It gets tricky when you’re dividing up tasks and invitations, but you’d be in great danger of inviting conflict by not having pre-thought plans for their participation. Your list might look like this:
 
BRIDE’S PARENTS                    GROOM’S PARENTS
Cake tasting                                  Cake tasting
Floral meeting                                Floral meeting
Reception site tour                         Ceremony site tour
Host engagement party                   Host rehearsal dinner
Host wedding morning breakfast     Host morning-after wedding brunch

5. Not being flexible

This one is just going to make you miserable, and probably annoy the people around you, but it’s important to avoid the mistake of rigidity. When you decide on a certain color of bridesmaid dress, for instance, and then all of your bridesmaids requests a different shade that looks better with their skintones, it’s far better to allow them the blush pink over the baby pink if that’s what they want. You make a mistake by turning any little variation on your request into a big drama issue of ‘Nobody ever listens to me!’ That’s what the rigidity is…being stubborn about getting your way even if it means others will be unhappy. I’m not trying to be harsh with you, but this is one of those things that many brides sink into so slowly that they don’t even realize they’re doing it. With so many wedding plans, and so many people’s opinions, flying around, there’s a real temptation to latch onto any little decree and make it the measure of how valued you are by others. If it’s early in your wedding plans, this might sound laughable to you, but read it again a few weeks before the wedding. It’ll make more sense then. Some brides allow themselves to be overruled by their families so often that all it takes is one little color swatch change, and it’s explosion time. So let a little bit of that pressure go by reminding yourself to be flexible with some issues, even with changing your mind on your own decisions. As weeks go by, you might decide that you don’t want a pianist at the ceremony. You’d rather have a guitarist. Simple. Done. But then your groom makes a comment about your constantly changing plans when you’ve already covered that terrain. Here’s where flexibility becomes important to him too, so gently remind him that you’re allowing yourself some flexibility with plans that haven’t already been booked and deposits paid. It sounded like a good idea at the time, you can laugh. Most grooms say they don’t want to go over the same topic again and again. They’re linear thinkers, so to them, when you said pianist, the issue was done. You can solve this problem by telling your groom that you’re just brainstorming now, so he can expect a little bit of back-and-forth on some of the ideas you’ve been discussing. Nothing’s been signed yet, and wouldn’t it sound much better to have a guitarist playing than a pianist? When you explain that you’re bouncing some ideas around, you give the groom the gift of understanding what your particular planning style is. How would he know otherwise? Once he gets it that flexibility is going to be a part of the plans, that nothing you’re discussing right now is set in stone, you prevent future miscommunications and comments that you might take as criticism.

6. Not being organized

Imagine that you’ve paid the caterer the first and second deposits for a whopping $5,000, and then you get a phone call from them saying that they have no record of your payments….so you need to pay them another $5,000 now. You have no idea where the contract is, you have no idea where the canceled check is for proof of payment, and you don’t have online banking to verify that they cashed your check. And that’s just one vendor who requires multiple payments made on certain dates. You don’t remember what you owe the florist, or what you put down for your wedding gown. Those papers are….somewhere. This is a monumental mistake, because these contracts and signed order forms and receipts are the guarantees of your investments. When you lose them, a disreputable vendor could rob you blind. Hopefully, you’ve hired reputable vendors who would happily remind you of your paid deposits, but in any industry there are always bad apples that sneak in among the good ones. And money aside, you’d cause confusion and perhaps anger when you lose your bridesmaids’ size cards, requiring them to go back to a tailor to get them taken again. Disorganization is one of the top worst mistakes you can make with your wedding, since so much rides on your having it together, being in control of the many different trajectories of your wedding plans, knowing where you stand with each wedding vendor, and knowing how to advise all of the people who are helping you to plan your wedding. You have to be a little bit over-the-top when it comes to organization, a little bit too micro-managey, for the sake of your wedding day coming out the way you wish. If you’re missing appointments because you didn’t write them in your calendar, or you forget to tell your mother-in-law about the cake tastings…that just compounds the problem. Now you’re wasting others’ time and creating exclusionary situations that are going to haunt you forever. It sounds like a simple thing, but too many brides and grooms don’t create a foolproof organization plan from the start, figuring that they can handle whatever comes up, and then the plans multiply and swirl into a frenzy of activity. So make your plan now, and avoid the ten different kinds of miseries that can afflict your wedding plans

Do: Set up a spreadsheet or use a great checklist to keep your tasks on track, and figure out the best receipt storage system for you. You might be the colored file folder type, with pockets for papers, or you might find it best to throw everything into one oversized shoebox. You might be techno-savvy where you can set up e-mail or text reminders of your wedding appointments and deadlines, or you handle everything by writing it into the blocks of your wall calendar.

Don’t: Try to take on an organizational system that you’re not already familiar with. Some wedding websites and registries have wedding planning interactive tools where you can upload your address book and keep track of RSVPs and seating chart assignments, but if this system is beyond your understanding or comfort level, you’re going to abandon it. That’s the opposite of being organized. Don’t skip the organization plan because you’re already into the planning stages. It’s easy to find planning checklists online, so print out one or two of those, and check off what you’ve accomplished already. Again, it’s never too late to establish a smart organization plan for the hectic planning season approaching you. And another mistake to avoid: don’t try to force your organization plan down your groom’s throat. You may have a NASA-quality spreadsheet set up, but if he’s not into maintaining it with you, he’s going to resist and resent your urging him to get on board with your system. Ask him which kind of reminders he wants (maybe an e-mail the day before something is due…one e-mail? A note on the refrigerator?). Brides say they get the best results when they let the grooms tell them how they’d like to be kept on track.

7. Trying to rush through

The wedding doesn’t have to be planned in a week. If you’re a super-achiever, you might look at those planning checklists as a challenge – I can get all of this done in no time. Just watch me. I’m sure you can. But what fun is that? Brides and grooms who blast their way through the plans wind up with a fully-outlined wedding in no time flat, and then there’s a whole lot of time with no new tasks, which leaves a big vacuum where second-guessing tends to happen. That cake you thought you wanted months ago…hmmmm….maybe mocha filling would be better. The second-guessing is an annoyance and a mistake that you – and the people around you – don’t need. Yes, you just read about being flexible with your own plans, and that still applies. The problem arises when you’ve booked all of your experts and designs, and changing them now is going to cost you money. Speaking of money, there’s also the issue of financial pacing. You put down deposits on a dozen big-ticket expenditures at the start of your planning, and you may not have registered how much the balances are going to be when they all come due a few weeks before your wedding. So take your time, plan slowly, follow those when-to-plan checklists as closely as possible, and spread out the excitement of wedding shopping and detail-setting. This is a task that’s best done in increments. Speed-planning can also lead to your adding extra things to your wedding just because you want a burst of excitement. You’re bored now. You want to add a little something extra to the buffet. You have months ahead of you where you’ll hear about new trends, and you may want to add even more décor. That’s a magnet for impulse-shopping.

8. Counting on others’ promises

“But you said you’d pay for the reception!” Cue the tears and the storming out of the room. Maybe you’re not a drama queen like this, but it can hurt when you spend months making plans for your wedding, thinking that your parents are going to foot the bill, only to find out that a bad circumstance has arisen and they can’t afford what they originally promised. It’s a heartbreaking situation for them as well, since they really wanted to be able to give you your dream day, but medical bills have piled up, a job has been lost, or some other tragedy has befallen them. Or, it might not be financial…it could be that a friend offered you the use of her beach house as the setting for your wedding, and now she’s calling with a change of heart (“We have white carpets, and I don’t think I want so many people there”) or the news that they’ve decided to sell the house before your wedding date. Crushing news. It’s wonderful when the people around you offer to help with the wedding, but you make a huge mistake when you take initial offers – made during the excitement of your new engagement – as firm and unbreakable promises. Circumstances change, especially when you have a long engagement period, and those generous souls do have the right to change their minds about their own homes, cars, or time commitments. For any let-down that occurs, don’t let it destroy you. This is the new reality, so use all that energy in formulating a new plan for the wedding while at the same time remembering to be supportive of anyone who’s having a tough time in life. The parents whose medical bills have spiked? Step out of your bride role and be the caring daughter who can pick up their prescriptions for them. The bridesmaid who had to bow out of the bridal party because she’s going to be in the middle of her medical board exams? Send her a care package for her study time. These relationships will last far past the wedding, and your kindness and understanding are the best and only way to proceed. You make an enormous mistake that has everlasting impact when you take their news as a personal affront, think only of what they’re costing you, and distance yourself or guilt trip them with a sigh and a ‘Well, I guess we could rent a shore house. Enjoy that white carpet…’ That story is going to get around. Again, don’t slide into self-centeredness, and if your first reaction is in the realm of ‘how could you do this to me?!’ then it’s time for a big apology, a gift sent with a card, and anything you can do to make it up to them. Selfish reactions have a way of burrowing under the skin of people and staying there forever, coloring anything you ever do again. You might not ever be forgiven. So when someone has to break their word to you, focus more on your Plan B than on what that person could have done to deliver what they promised.

Do: Think up a Plan B before anyone pulls out of their offer. When you’re looking at locations, make sure you know the cancellation and refund policy. If anything happens, would you be able to get your deposit back if you cancel more than 3 months before the wedding? What if they can re-book your wedding date? Would you get your whole deposit back? Look into the worst case scenario for every wedding plan now, just in case you need it later. Know the fine print of every contract that comes in front of you. And know that every promise made to you can be taken back. Life can throw some awful stuff at anyone, and it’s not an easy phone call for them to make in letting you know they can’t follow through. Think Empathy in these cases.

Don’t: Play the pity card by telling everyone you know about someone’s broken promise. Some devious couples attempt to use these instances as currency, and while I know that you’re not capable of that kind of treachery, a side effect of even innocent venting can be that a grandparent or future in-law offers more than they can afford to make it up to the two of you. That’s unintentional but still very real manipulation, and the lasting side effect of that is that your in-laws will always think poorly of your parents, or your friends will always think badly of another friend. Any broken promises should stay within your discretion. No one else needs to know. Blabbing creates a hailstorm of recurrent problems in your group, and first impressions last forever. Also, don’t expect miracles from someone who often promises the moon and the sun and rarely delivers. It’s just the way some people are. They get all excited and promise you that they’ll bake your wedding cake, and they mean to. They’re thrilled for you, but you know that they can be a little bit flaky. Proceed with caution in counting on anyone with a track record for not following through. Let them make cupcakes for the wedding morning brunch or something non-essential like that. It’s a big mistake to count on the untrustworthy.