One of the ways that any couple can make their wedding ceremony feel unique and meaningful is to write and read their own vows. More and more couples of all faiths and backgrounds are turning to this personal form of expression. Vows written by the bride and groom can not only be a highlight of the ceremony, but can also be a valuable pre-marital process, helping the couple to reflect on the nature of their love as well as the commitments that they pledge to bring to the marriage.

But what if you want to write your own wedding vows but never earned A’s in English class and aren’t sure how to put your thoughts down on paper? Not to worry. With a few simple steps, anyone can bring out the writer within and craft evocative vows in one’s own true voice.

To start with, talk to your fiancée about whether you want to write the same kind of vows, to work on and craft together or if you want to each write your own vows, and present them to one another on your wedding day. Either option can work very well. If you are going to write the same style of vows together, you can use some simple formulas (to be discussed below) and write on your own and then work on putting the vows together. If you decide to each write your own vows, you can set some parameters together (say, the vows should be 5-10 sentences in length) so that one of you doesn’t end up writing a book while the other pens a few lines.

There are, of course, variations on both of those choices. For my wedding, my husband and I decided to update the text of our ketubah, the legal contract that makes a marriage valid in a Jewish wedding, by inserting our own vows into the traditional text. We kept the traditional literary style of a ketubah, in which the bride and groom are referred to in the third person, but we inserted our vows, written in contemporary style language in an appropriate place in the text. We used the formula “I take it upon myself…” to describe the pledges that we would make to one another. We each wrote our part of the texts and shared them with each other and then wrote a third part together that shared ideas that were common in both of our vows. That part reads, “We promise to strive for honesty with each other and, to respect the ways that we are different from each other, and to comfort each other through life’s joys and sorrows.”

Reading our vows during our wedding ceremony made the moment of our nuptials feel especially real for me and I am so glad that we made this choice. In the Jewish tradition, our ketubah is displayed in our home and I do read it whenever I need to remind myself of the commitments that I have made. I encourage any couple who writes their own vows to type them up—or have a calligrapher write them out for you—and frame them and hang them in a prominent place in your home.

Once you and your fiancée decide if you will write your vows together or separately, here are some steps to help you begin.

Writing Together

Make a quite time: You don’t want to try and scribble out your vows during a rushed time, when either one of you is tired or when you’re dealing with other wedding details. Set aside a time—like a weekend afternoon or an evening after dinner—when you can really relax and focus. Put on some quiet music that you both enjoy and make some hot tea or open a bottle of wine (if you like to drink.) Get some paper and pens ready and turn off cell phones and pagers. This is your time!

Begin writing separately: You may want to set a time for when you’ll stop and come back together—15 minutes to half an hour should be fine. Choose some basic structures to get your started. For example, you may want to write in a form of a letter to your fiancée. Tell him her what you most love about him/her, what you look forward to in your life together, what you are most thankful for. Include promises and pledges that you will bring to the marriage.

Listening: Come back together and share your drafts with each other. Listen intently, without interrupting or editing. Most likely, one or both of you will be shedding some tears! Talk about what you liked most or what felt most meaningful in the draft of the vows.

Put them together: You may want to begin your vows with a traditional “I take you” or an updated “I choose you”…and then begin to insert the ideas and statements that came out of your writing. As with the example that I gave with my husband and my vows, you may choose to have some of your vows be the same and some of your vows include personal statements that you read to each other. For example:

The bride and groom read together:

I choose you to be my strength and comfort, my partner and best friend. I promise to be there for you in good times and in challenging ones, to support you and comfort you. Together, we can accomplish our dreams.

The bride reads:

I am thankful to have met you and I promise to keep my love for you as pure as it is today.

The groom reads:

I am thankful to have the opportunity to be your husband and I promise to show you my love each and every day.

Include quotes: You might also want to begin or end your vows with a text that is meaningful to both of you. This could be a line from a poem, a song lyric, a literary quotation or a verse from scriptures. You might also each want to select a quote to read individually.

Share with your Officiant: He/She is a wonderful “outside eye” who can help you in the crafting/editing phase and can bring his/her experience to the process.

Writing Separately:

Set the Parameters: If you are planning to not share your vows with each other before the wedding day, set some basic parameters so that they are similar in style and length. For example, you might choose to write in the form of a letter, beginning with “Dear _______”. You should set a general length—say five to ten sentences so that there’s some flexibility, but your vows will be in the same general range.

Use the above guidelines to help get you started: Tell him her what you most love about him/her, what you look forward to in your life together, what you are most thankful for. Include promises and pledges that you will bring to the marriage.

Share with your Officiant: Make sure that he/she knows that you won’t be sharing them together until the wedding day!

Whether you write your vows together or separately, you should also take some precautions to be ready to read them on your wedding day. Make sure that you have more than one copy of your text! Hand a back-up to your officiant and attendants for safe-keeping. Practice reading through them in a front of a mirror or in front of a friend to make sure there are no words you stumble over. Of course, reading them to your beloved will be a different experience and it’s natural to choke up or shed a few tears. Take your time, read slowly and breathe. Preparing and reading your vows takes some special effort, but is well worth it. Good luck!