It’s my second wedding, but it’s his first wedding.

 He’s been married before, but I haven’t.

 Planning a wedding when one of you has been married before can make for some pretty challenging times in your shared process. After all, one of you has some experience at this, while the other might be completely overwhelmed with all the details and questions and decisions and expenses. Not to mention the unwelcome image of the partner at his or her first wedding with someone else. That might not have mattered much to you during your courtship – after all, you knew he was married before – but a strange thing happens when all the emotions start swirling around wedding plans. Most brides and grooms say that it really started to bother them. As they’re looking online for invitations, a sneaky little thought pops into their heads: she’s done this before with someone else. There’s a bit of a deflation that you’re not sharing the same first-time experience, that it’s not new to both of you. If you’re feeling this way, it’s perfectly normal and actually offers you a tremendous gift: you get the chance to be grateful that she’s with you now. Yes, she planned a wedding with someone else before, but she also went grocery shopping with other people before. Doesn’t take anything away from your trips to the supermarket. She’s not thinking of her ex then and she’s not thinking of her ex now. It’s a completely new experience, because it’s 100% colored by your relationship.

 So forget about any lingering memories of your partner and the ex blissfully planning the wedding together. It probably wasn’t so blissful anyway. Maybe they fought, maybe they clashed over decisions, maybe a parent was difficult or bossy. We tend to romanticize things in other people’s lives, but the truth is far less flattering. What matters now is that you shake off that worry about ghosts of the past so that you don’t contaminate this planning process. If you’re sitting there sulking because she planned invitations with someone else, then you have just brought that ex into the process. You just reminded her of that time in her life. And if you grill her about it…you’ve just wrecked an important moment in your wedding planning process.

 So forget the ex. Your partner has chosen you. This wedding is yours. So leave the past in the past.

 Maybe the issue is not a jealousy about your partner’s past, but rather the simple feeling that you have no idea what you’re doing with the wedding plans, your partner is charging full steam ahead with the details, and you feel out of the loop. Instead of lapsing into a My Knowledge Base vs. Your Knowledge Base comparison, talk openly and honestly about a better perspective: your partner’s previous experience in wedding planning world means that your process will go more smoothly! Your partner might know which reception halls are actually way prettier on the outside than on the inside, or that corkage fees can be negotiated out of the contract, that it’s not worth getting a big dessert bar when wedding guests only really want cake. Your partner’s previous experience can save you lots of time and money. Pretty soon, you’ll be really grateful for that whole pesky first wedding thing because it’s making life easier on you now!

 If you’re the second-timer, be aware that your partner doesn’t know the terminology you know. It’s quite easy to forget that he or she doesn’t know that photographers have to be booked way in advance, so find a way to explain what you’re doing without being condescending. That’s the tricky part. You never, ever, ever want to establish yourself as the ‘boss’ who has to teach the ‘student’ how things are….even unintentionally. Some people don’t realize that they’re doing this. So avoid giving definitions or assuming your partner doesn’t understand. One of the biggest problems in planning a second-first wedding is that a ranking system forms and one partner feels like the subordinate. So just proceed in the plans without any educational lessons. Your partner can do an online search on anything he or she doesn’t understand, and it’s a great thing if he or she knows that you can be asked for explanation safely, without any talking-down. This makes for great communication building.

 To build equality right from the start, both of you should make your priority lists. What are the top three things that are most important to you, the items that you’ll spend the most on or that have the deepest emotional significance? When you co-create lists, you’re equals. And this way, you understand each others’ must-haves. Except for any grievous differences in opinions or values, you both should grant each other these priorities. Now, make your bottom three lists, the things you don’t care much for, or would be willing to cut out of the wedding plans. Check with each other, then agree which items get bumped down to the bottom of your priority lists. You now have a roadmap of what you’ll work on together, and you can move forward in the planning.

 This is a good time for a Rule. At no time should the person who hasn’t had a wedding before claim any kind of advantage over the one who has. You’ve done this before, so now it’s my turn to have the flowers I want is establishing dominance over the plans while at the same time punishing your partner for a prior marriage. Don’t even joke about it. It’s unfair, cruel and manipulative. And it’s also important to keep in mind for when your parents and others start piping in with their wishes for your wedding. You may hear, “Well, your fiancé has had his choice of wedding cake before, so….” Which is unfair, cruel and manipulative on their part. Not something you’ll entertain, since a big part of marriage is being a united front and protecting each other from unfair treatment. So if anyone tries to use the second wedding ‘chip,’ turn them down flat. A good response is, “We’re not even thinking about the fact that (partner) has been married before. So nothing that happened then has anything to do with now.” That closes the conversation.

 Everything about your wedding plans will reflect the two of you and your love story together. Again, there’s no difference between a second wedding and a first wedding, so there’s no need for you to have any division between you as you work on this wonderful task together. Allow yourselves to enjoy it. It’s a first-and-only for both of you.