•Julie Howard and her younger sister Laura always had a competitive edge to their relationship. Julie was considered the “smart” one, while Laura was the “funny” one. Julie was a bookworm, graduated at the top of her high school class and went right from college into a doctoral program. Laura had an active social life in both high school and college and studied just enough to get by. When Laura got engaged shortly after her college graduation, Julie had no boyfriend prospects in sight. Just the thought of facing her extended family at Laura’s wedding completely dateless made her feel slightly sick.

•Phil Johnson came from a family of four boys. Second to the oldest, he was the last one to get engaged. Phil’s oldest brother had married his high school sweetheart, who ended up cheating on him after the birth of their second child. His younger brother had been married and divorced three times. His youngest brother and his fiancée had been engaged for five years, with no wedding date in sight. While Phil was excited to have finally met the woman he could see sharing the rest of his life with, his brothers were anything but encouraging when it came to Phil’s impending nuptials. “Don’t do it, Phil!” was how they greeted him at most family gatherings.

Laura and Phil have something in common with every bride and groom in the world who has sisters and brothers: rivalry. Even in the most supportive sibling relationships, it’s natural for some degree of competition and comparison to exist. Siblings are the people who know us most intimately throughout our entire lives, from our earliest days through adolescence into adulthood. Siblings remember our most embarrassing moments, as well as our proud accomplishments. Getting engaged and planning a wedding is a transitional stage, when a major life change is about to occur. Even with support being their primary intention, it’s natural that engagement can push siblings’ buttons and reveal their own feelings and experiences about marriage.

If it feels like your engagement is bringing out rivalry rather than support from your sibs, take a moment, step back and try and see where it’s coming from. Once you understand better what’s prompting this response, you can better create a way to make your sisters and brothers into your allies, not your enemies, throughout your wedding process.

Why is he/she acting this way?

Laura thought Julie would be completely psyched to hear about her engagement. She wanted to ask Julie to be her Maid of Honor, but every time she brought up the wedding, Julie changed the subject.  It’s easy to see from the outside that Laura’s getting engaged is causing Julie to feel insecure about her own dating status. Going back to Biblical days—think Rachel and Leah—it was customary for the oldest siblings to get married first, and for first-borns, that’s still a hard tradition to shake. Julie’s insecurity being single is compounded by the fact that she’s older than Laura—and it may feel, in part, like Laura’s life is more together than her own.

The truth is that everyone is on his/her own life path and there is no right age to reach certain milestones; it may take Julie a longer time to find the right person to marry than it did Laura. But at the moment, old jealousy and competition is standing in her way of being okay with that idea.

Phil knows his brothers’ relationships have left something to be desired, but they all love his fiancée Chris and know how happy she and Phil are together. He’s used to their joking but feels like their comments have too much edge to them. He wishes they’d let up once in while.

The fact is, the comments from Phil’s brothers probably have very little to do with Chris or about how happy they feel about Phil and Chris’s relationship. Their joking is probably a “safe” way to cover up their own deep feelings of resentment, loss and ambivalence connected to their own relationships. Celebrating Phil’s happiness and new beginning may take too much vulnerability than they are willing to show.

The truth is, whenever we make life changes and choices it causes other people to pause and reflect about their own status. When one colleague decides to leave a job, another colleague is forced to look at her feelings connected to the job. When a friend moves to a new city, it’s natural think about where he’s going and wonder if it’s a better place to be. Whether spoken or not, feelings about marriage and relationships come up when a sister or brother gets engaged, even if they are hidden under jokes, avoidance, or out and out nasty comments.

But How do I make my siblings into my allies?

If any of these experiences resonate with you, don’t despair: there are definite strategies that can help move your siblings into your court. Here are a few tips to make your brothers and sisters into wedding day allies:

•Don’t take it personally: As hard as this one can be, try and practice it. Look at what your sister/brother is going through and realize that their lack of support is about them, not you.
 
•Acknowledge their feelings: Laura could say something to Julie like, “I know it will probably be weird at the wedding with all the aunts and uncles asking you when it will be your turn. Let me know if you need me to distract them!” Just letting your sibs hear that you are trying to understand what they’re going through can help a lot.

•Talk with them about their role in the wedding: Don’t assume that they will automatically jump on board to plan your shower or bachelor party. Invite them out for a drink or coffee or if you live long distance, make a special phone call. Let them know that you really want them to be involved in the wedding. If you are thinking about having them be in the wedding party, ask them just as you would with a friend. “It would be really fantastic if you could stand with me as my best man,” will go a much longer way than just assuming he’ll be there for you.

•Highlight their special skills: Think about your sibs special talents. If you sister has a beautiful voice, invite her to be a soloist. If your brother is into web design, ask if he could help you create a web page. Seeking out their special talents acknowledges them and helps make them feel involved in and connected to your big day.

•Seek support around parental issues: Siblings always have something to unite them—dealing with their parents. If Mom or Dad is stressing you out, confide in your sibs. They can probably relate and might have some much needed advice for you. Bonding around your parents’ craziness is just one more way to get close!

Laura finally called her sister Julie one night and told her she had something important to ask her. “Whenever I bring up the wedding, you act kind of strange.” Laura said. “And I really want you to be my Maid of Honor, but only if you feel okay about it.” Julie was so surprised that Laura—who had hundreds of close girlfriends—wanted her to be her Maid of Honor, that her feelings started to shift and she started to get generally excited for her sister. Why did she care about what her older relatives thought about her dating status, anyway?

Phil and his brothers were out for pizza and beer after work one night when the subject of his wedding came up and all the jokes began. When Phil got up to the bathroom, his oldest brother John followed him. “You know we’re just giving you a hard time,” John said. “We’re really happy for you. You and Chris are so great together.” Phil really heard John. He knew how his brothers felt about his wedding. When John gave the first toast that day, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.