Mazel Tov! If you are planning a Jewish wedding, you have several important factors connected to your ceremony to consider. The following list can help you to create a meaningful Jewish wedding:
Choosing a Date: Before you send out your “Save the Date” cards, you’ll want to make sure that your wedding date is okay in terms of Jewish tradition. Most importantly, Jewish weddings are prohibited on certain holidays: Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, Shavuot, during the counting of the Omer, the first and last day of Sukkot, and Shabbat and the fast day of Tisha B’Av, the tenth of Tevet, the seventeenth of Tammuz, and the fast days of Gedaliah and Esther. Because many of these dates fall during prime wedding season (spring-summer), begin your date selection by using an accurate Jewish calendar (like www.hebcal.com) that will alert you to a fast day that you may not even know about.
On the positive side, Jewish tradition also points out certain dates that are said to be auspicious for weddings. Chanukah has become a popular time to marry and although Shabbat weddings aren’t allowed, many couples wed on Saturday at sundown so that they can begin their ceremony with the sweet smell of havdalah, marking both the end of Shabbat and the end of the time that came before their public commitment to one another.
Selecting a Rabbi: For couples who aren’t yet affiliated with a congregation, finding a rabbi to lead their wedding can feel like a challenge.
First off, it’s important to know that a rabbi is not the only person who can lead a Jewish wedding. A cantor can officiate as can another educated professional serving the Jewish community. However, to meet state requirements, the officiant does need to be a recognized member of the clergy; be sure to ask this question of any clergy you speak with.
Visit local congregations and observe how different rabbis lead services; if you see someone whom you think you might connect with, give him/her a call. Often rabbis will work with couples who are not synagogue members in a freelance capacity.
You can also talk with friends who have gotten married recently and learn about their experiences with the rabbis who married them. Many rabbis travel to work with engaged couples, so even if a rabbi lives in another city, it is worth contacting him/her and having a conversation.
Rabbis’ schedules fill up quickly, so if you have a particular rabbi in mind, be sure to clear the date with her ASAP. Interfaith couples may encounter difficulties finding a rabbi, but can contact special organizations that work with interfaith couples, including the Jewish Outreach Institute (www.joi.org) or The Rabbinic Center for Research and Counseling (www.rcronline.org), which can help them to find a rabbi.
When you meet with a rabbi, be sure to ask him his philosophy about leading weddings. You want to make sure that you are on the same page about major issues right from the start.
Choosing a Ketubah: Just as our government issues a marriage license, Jewish law has historically used a ketubah (marriage contract) to sanction a marriage. Ketubah means “writing” or “written” and refers to the document that is signed by witnesses before and often read during a Jewish wedding. Traditionally, a ketubah was like a premarital contract, outlining a bride’s ongoing rights for food, clothing and even sex during the course of the marriage. The ketubah also specified her rights in the case of death of the husband or divorce.
Many contemporary couples choose to veer away from the traditional ketubah text and its implications and instead choose to use a text that expresses their hopes and commitments for their marriage. Some couples choose to write their own text, while others search for a text that speaks to their vision.
The ketubah is not only a legal document, but also is an artistic one. Ketubbot have long been—and continue to be--an expression of Jewish creativity. So couples not only have decisions to make about the text, but also the kind of art they want for their ketubah. Some couples shop together for a lithograph; others hire an artist to create an original design just for them. Do a web search for “ketubah” and you will discover hundreds of amazing artists working in different styles, many of whom both create original ketubbot and also sell lithographs of their work.
Couples should also think about who they want to invite to sign their ketubah. Traditionally, a witness must be a religiously observant Jewish male, unrelated to bride or groom. Most non-Orthodox rabbis accept women as witnesses, though most still prefer that the witness be Jewish.
Think Chuppah: The chuppah is the canopy that covers the bride and groom during the wedding ceremony, creating a sacred space that is both open for all to see and private and intimate for the couple beneath it. It symbolizes their new home together, and is said to be open as was the tent of Abraham and Sarah, who were always ready to receive visitors.
In planning your wedding, think about what kind of chuppah would be special for you. Some are covered in flowers, others are made of fabric squares that friends and family decorate for the couple. The chuppah is attached to four poles, which can be free-standing or held by four people. It is considered a great honor to hold a chuppah pole, so this job should be given to someone very close to bride or groom.
Today, professional artists are designing original chuppot that couples can later display as a work of art in their home. Some chuppot are designed to become a quilt for the couple’s bed or a canopy hanging over it. Look at the resource links on www.creativejewishwedding.com to find creative chupah artists.
Don’t forget the Party! In Jewish tradition, it is a mitzvah to celebrate with bride and groom and all sorts of wedding customs help everyone get involved in the party. It is customary for the bride and groom to play “queen and king” for the day (this is where the tradition of lifting them on a chair comes from), as guests entertain them with singing and dancing, juggling and magic as they sit upon their “thrones.” Invite your creative guests to organize some kind of special entertainment.
Think about incorporating some Jewish music into your celebration—klezmer music is great for circle dancing which can get Jewish and non-Jewish, young and old wedding guests up and out on the dance floor together. Many mainstream bands know a couple of klezmer hits or you can browse through cds of the many klezmer bands who are recording their music today.
As you think about what food you want to serve at your reception, remember that some of your guests may follow the laws of kashrut (Jewish dietary laws). Even if you and your fiancée don’t keep kosher, you may want to avoid serving foods that directly violate kosher laws.
You and your partner should give yourselves ample time to talk through each of these steps, and to use the process of planning your wedding as an opportunity to learn more about Jewish tradition and the way each of you envisions your future life together.
. A 1993 graduate of Emerson College with a B.F.A. cum laude in performing arts, she also earned a Master's degree in Jewish studies at the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College. Kaplan-Mayer currently serves as Asst. Education Director at congregation Mishkan Shalom. She is married to Fred Kaplan-Mayer and happy mom to two young children, George and June.
