Many of us see images of Julia Roberts in “Runaway Bride” or her real-life counterpart Jennifer Wilbanks, who lied to police about being kidnapped in order to avoid her own wedding, when we think about cases of pre-wedding jitters gone overboard. While these examples are at the extreme edge, it is not uncommon for both women and men to can experience waves of fear, anxiety and dread as they plan for their upcoming nuptials.

     What’s important to remember is that some pre-wedding jitters are actually normal and healthy for both women and men and that experiencing some negative emotions connected to your wedding does not mean that you’re going to pull a Jennifer Wilbanks!

     Instead, it’s important to take some time out to reflect on what’s going on that causing you to experience pre-wedding jitters and from there create a plan to work through your anxious emotions.

Saying Good-bye

     Even when you’re elated to find a person who feels like your soul mate, the idea of making a commitment to another human being for the rest of your life can feel overwhelming. For men, making the choice to get married brings with it a lot of expectations. Despite changing gender roles in our society, men are still looked at as being the primary providers. Many men equate being a bachelor with having freedom—doing what they want to do on their own terms, when they want to do it. Being a bachelor means hanging out with the guys, fun times. Marriage may feel like walking into a new role, with new responsibilities and many men wonder if they’re up to this change in identity.
 
     It can feel confusing to experience these emotions, even while still feeling completely in love with your fiancée and excited about your wedding. It’s important to acknowledge that engagement is a time of transition—and it is a process to say good-bye to being single and feel confidant about getting married.  Ron Jacobs, who has been married to wife Caroline for six years, still recalls some of the mixed emotions that he went through during his engagement. “I was never happier in my life, but sometimes, especially late at night when I was trying to fall asleep, I would start wondering, ‘wait am I really ready for this? Am I too young?’” Ron recalls. “I went through that for the first part of our engagement until it just started feeling normal to be engaged and I was more relaxed about getting married.”
 
     Many men go through the same jitters that Ron experienced. It’s essential to acknowledge that you’re going through a major life transition, and that it’s really normal to feel some loss and some fear as you say good-bye to your single days and prepare for a new role.

What’s Underneath It All

     The experience of the wedding jitters can vary from person to person—it might hit you in bed as you’re trying to fall asleep like it did with Ron, or it might come as fleeting waves of emotion throughout the day. Some men report getting stressed out when they sit down to deal with any wedding-related tasks.

     However your jitters come, take some quiet time to reflect on what’s going on inside you that’s causing you to stress out.  Is it the money and financial commitment involved in the wedding costs? Does it worry you about financial commitments that lie ahead? Or is it a more general anxiety about making this kind of commitment?

     Benjamin Shaw grew up with his mother, after his parents divorced when he was twenty months old. For Ben, getting engaged brought back a flood of unresolved emotions connected to his father. “My biggest fear in the world was that I would grow up to be like him, to turn my back on my family,” he said. “ I would look at Emily (his fiancée) and just pray that I would never hurt her that way.”

     For Ben, going to a therapist ultimately helped him to work through his issues and feel confidant about making his commitment to Emily. If your fears or anxieties come from a deep place, you may also consider seeking some short-term therapy to work through your issues. Another good place to go for support is to your minister, priest or rabbi who can offer you spiritual counseling.

Working Through It

     You can take active steps to overcome your pre-wedding jitters. You may not need to seek counseling per se, but everyone should make sure to go to friends and family for support. Open up to someone you can trust who can be there for you and offer encouragement when the “jitters” hit. It’s good to have someone besides your fiancée that can be there to support you. While you may want to share some of what you’re going through with your fiancée, you also don’t want to overwhelm her with your emotions.

     It’s also really important to keep up your relationships outside of the one with your fiancée. Remember, just because you’re engaged, it doesn’t mean you have to stop going to your weekly poker game, playing on your sports team or hanging out with colleagues after work. You want to keep your circle of friends an acquaintances open, and spend time socializing both with and without your fiancée. She’ll still want to have time out with her girlfriends, so don’t feel badly about  keeping up with your buddies.  In the long run, your relationship is a healthier one when you’re not solely reliant on each other for friendship and support. And during your engagement period, keeping up important relationships will make you feel less like you’re losing important parts of your life because you’re getting married.

     You also want to make time in your life—especially as the wedding approaches—to do things that help you relive stress. It might be working out, it might be meditating. If you need to, try a new practice like hypnosis or yoga (yes, lots of guys are doing it!). The more you can naturally clear way those jitters, the better prepared you’ll feel for your big day.

     And remember to have fun with your fiancée! Especially if she is getting consumed in wedding planning details, take her away for a weekend adventure and tell her that the only condition is that you can’t talk about the wedding at all. Do fun, silly things together: take each other’s mind off the wedding. Go dancing, go bowling, go see a Disney cartoon—whatever you can do to laugh together and focus on the fun in your relationship. Marriage needs levity so your practice will pay off!

What if they just don’t go away…

     Say you’ve tried these techniques, but you’re still consumed with feelings of fear and dread. Pay attention to those feelings. While some pre-wedding jitters are normal and healthy, strong emotions that don’t go away are not. You may be aware on some level that this relationship just isn’t working or that you just aren’t ready to make this commitment at this time.

     If you think that your pre-wedding jitters are of a more serious nature, do seek out a counselor or clergy who can listen and reflect what you are feeling. It is much healthier in the long run—for you and your fiancée—to end an engagement rather than proceed with a wedding that doesn’t feel right.