If you and your fiancée grew up in different faiths, you are not alone: currently, interfaith marriages in the United States are on the rise, with 25% of all couples now marrying someone from a different faith background than their own. Among Jewish people, nearly 50% of young people are marrying outside of the faith. While this trend points to an opening in our society and a natural mixing of cultures and religions, couples planning interfaith weddings still face unique challenges. Creating a wedding that honors both partners’ backgrounds and feel spiritually authentic to both sides of the family takes creativity and thoughtful planning. The following tips can guide interfaith couples through the wedding planning process:

1. Do your research: While you love and cherish your fiancée, you may not have had an opportunity to learn all about his/her religious background. Engagement is a time to get to know each other fully, and this means understanding your partner’s faith traditions. Many couples benefit from reading books and taking introductory classes together. When Hilary Jackson and Jake Goldman got engaged, Hilary wanted to understand the Jewish holidays that she had begun celebrating with Jake’s family. They signed up for an “Intro to Judaism” class at a local Jewish community center and that lead both Hilary and Jake to understand Jake’s Jewish heritage more completely. “Hilary’s openness and curiosity got me to ask questions and explore my religion more than I ever had in my life,” Jake recalls. The couple—who chose to be married by a justice of the peace—incorporated both Jewish wedding traditions and the Buddhist prayers that are part of Hilary’s faith, into their civil ceremony. Doing research will help you not only plan your wedding ceremony, but will also help you start talking about how you will blend your religious traditions in your home after your wedding.

2. Find the right clergy: Many couples are hurt or disappointed that their special rabbi, priest or minister will not lead an interfaith wedding. It is important to remember that these clergy are opposed to the idea of people leaving their faith or not committing to raising their children in their faith—they are not angry or upset at you, personally. Still, rejection from a significant person of faith can feel like a hurtful rejection of you, during an important and vulnerable time in your life. Again, this is time to do your research: talk to other friends and family members who have married partners from different faiths. Inquire about what their experience of working with their clergy was like. There are many clergy, often nondenominational, who feel called to work with interfaith couples and make their living as celebrants at interfaith life cycle moments. Do a web search for interfaith weddings and you’ll be directed to a large number of web sites featuring clergy who can help you. Remember to read their testimonials and be sure to ask for contact information from couples that they’ve worked with so that you can speak with someone personally and get a positive reference. Once you find an officiant whom you can trust, you can work with that person to create a ceremony that will honor and integrate your faith traditions.

Some couples choose to have clergy from both religious backgrounds represented. Working with multiple clergy can be difficult in terms of planning and organizing your ceremony, but there are clergy who have a “buddy” from other faith traditions whom they work with regularly. If your preist knows a rabbi wth whom he’s co-officiated successfully with in the past, you would be wise to go with that rabbi. Talk with the clergy together and ask about what has worked well in their prior experience and if they are open to hearing your ideas for integrating your traditions. Also, make sure that the clergy that you choose to lead your wedding includes several sessions for pre-marital counseling, along with wedding planning. Engagement is the time for couples to talk through how they envision incorporating religion into their life together and an experienced member of the clergy can guide and facilitate these discussions.

3. Talk to parents: As much as your parents will feel happy that you have found that special someone, they may also feel worried that marrying someone from a different faith is a rejection of them and the way that you were brought up and also means that family customs, beliefs and values won’t be carried on. Take time to reassure them that this is not the case. Communicate the ways that you plan to honor the way you were raised, in both in your wedding and in the new life that you are building with your partner. Ask your parents how they might imagine family traditions being incorporated into your wedding ceremony—when invited, they may come up with some creative, helpful suggestions. As you plan your wedding, keep in mind that there may be times when your parents don’t seem as happy or excited about your plans as you wish they were. Try to engage them in hands-on ways that they can be involved in your wedding planning. Is there a family tradition—a favorite food, song, clothing item—that can be included in your wedding? This will help them to know that though you may be joining with someone from another faith, you are not leaving your family traditions behind.

4. Personalize: Creating an interfaith wedding means that you can step away from the “cookie cutter” wedding. Make your ceremony and celebration unique and reflective of both parents. Create a ceremony with music that you love and readings that express your spirituality and beliefs. You can work with your wedding officiant to help you create original rituals to express your love and commitment. Many faith traditions light candles in ritual moments; you and your partner could celebrate with different kinds of candles from both of your backgrounds and write an original blessing about your covenant to one another.

5. Create a Program: You want family and friends to feel comfortable and included at your wedding. If you choose to marry in a religious setting such as a church or synagogue, family members from the other faith may feel less comfortable. Create a wedding program that guides your guests through the ceremony, explaining the customs and traditions that you are including. You may want to write a brief description of what they are seeing in the sanctuary around them. Don’t feel that you need to write a complete history of your religion(s); just a sentence or two will make guests at ease and will help them follow what’s happening during your ceremony. If you have chosen to get married at a non-religious location (a park, nonsectarian chapel, hotel, restaurant or other venue), include a mention of why you chose this site and what about it feels special and sacred to you.

6. Party!: Your wedding celebration is an opportunity to bring family together and focus on what everyone is there for you: to honor you as bride and groom. Talk with your band or DJ about ways to get family members mixing and mingling on the dance floor. Include toasts, candlelightings and special dances from both faith backgrounds. As your families celebrate, everyone focuses on what connects, rather than separates them.