Gone are the days when children automatically grow up to live in the same neighborhoods where their parents live, and where their parents lived before them. Today, economic and career opportunities often mean that adult children live in a different city, state, coast or country from their immediate and extended families. And when those children find someone to partner with and are in the process of planning a wedding, the couple may be faced with how to connect both of their families—who may live nowhere near each other—into one new extended family.

   If this situation resonates with you and your fiancée, know that there are practical ways to build relationships between future in-laws even when they may be geographically separated from each other, as well as from you. Engagement is a time of joy and happiness—and can also be a time of stress and anxiety, as families adjust to new dynamics. Geographic separation can be a challenge in terms of making parents feel included in your planning process, so it’s important to acknowledge this obstacle up front. The following tips can help you to focus on the positive ways that you can build connection, despite the distances between you and extended family.

Parents Meet Parents: As straightforward as this tip sounds, you would be surprised at the numbers of couples who, because their parents live far apart from each other, don’t create an opportunity for them to meet each other before the wedding. Because everyone is dealing with extra anxiety and can be on edge during the few days before the wedding, planning for your parents to meet then is a recipe for disaster. Kelly Hanson and Brian Goodwall found that out the hard way. Kelly’s family lives in Alaska and the couple was marrying in Pennsylvania, near Brian’s parents and where Kelly and Brian were living at the time. “We had a pretty short engagement of six months, and it’s hard for my parents to travel because of health problems my mom is going through,” Kelly explains. “So we just planned for them to come up two weeks before the wedding and we thought that would give them a chance to get to know Brian’s family before the big day.” Instead, Kelly’s mom ended up feeling “dissed” because Brian’s mom had been so involved in the small details of the wedding planning and everyone had so much to do that there was little time for everyone to sit down and spend quality time together. “Looking back, we should have flown up to Alaska with my parents to celebrate the engagement,” Brian says. “I know it’s hard for Kelly’s parents to travel, so it wasn’t fair to expect them to make two trips in six months.” The parents have managed to get to know each other since the wedding (they get together every year for Thanksgiving), despite the rough start.

   If your engagement is long enough, invite both sets of parents to meet at your home together. Another possibility is to find a location somewhere in between where the parents live and meet for a weekend away together. This option saves you from “hostessing” and if you choose a place with lots of things to do, the parents can go off together on and outing and you and your fiancée may even get some alone time!

Communicate via web and email: Staying connected to loved one who live far away is easier than ever before through the wonderful technology of the internet. Use these tools to help connect your families and keep them involved in your wedding plans. For example, if you can’t go wedding dress shopping with your mom and mother-in-law, take a digital photo of your dress and email the picture to them with a note describing it. The moms can send a “reply all” response and share their excitement.

   Couples can set up a wedding web site (check out such services as www.ewedding.com or www.topweddingsites.com) far in advance of the wedding and share information with families and friends living far apart. Include short biographical sketches of your families and friends in your wedding party so that when everyone meets, they already know a little bit about each other. Your site can include interactive features like a bulletin board where people can post comments, which also helps to create virtual community in advance of real community-building time.

Find projects for collaboration: Even when families live far apart, their may be projects that they can work on together. Think about your family members’ special skills, and how they could be used in a connected way. For example, when Joellyn and Ron Zollman were planning their wedding, they wanted to create a unique chuppah (the wedding canopy used in Jewish ceremonies). Both of their mothers—one living on the east coast and one on the west coast—are skilled in needlework. They asked both mothers to work on doing needlepoint on a piece of fabric which would ultimately become their chuppah. Each mother worked on her own and when they met the week before the wedding, they sat together and sewed the two pieces of fabric together to make a beautiful canopy. The process bonded the women and made them closer, despite their living on opposite coasts.

   Think of the many projects parents or other families could work on separately and then put together: party favors, decorations, wedding programs, music compilations, photo slideshows, etc.

Plan Two Parties: Although you want to create an opportunity for parents to meet before the wedding, it’s also important to acknowledge that not every part of the pre-wedding festivities can be held together. If one side of the family wants to host an engagement party, it may not be realistic for members from the other side who live far away to make the trip in for the party. Instead, it may work out easier for families in different cities to each host their own engagement party/shower. If families can attend each other’s parties, that’s all the better. But if that situation seems impractical, consider the option of celebrating twice. It means more fun for the happy couple and sends a message to both sides that they are equally loved and valued.

Time-Out from Wedding Stress: As mentioned above, the few days before your wedding most likely not going to be the most relaxed one of your lives. Still, with some careful advance planning, you can create some times for families to connect. Think of last minute errands that you can send your parents on together; let the dads go together to make the beer run for the rehearsal dinner…send your sisters to pick up dry cleaning and drop off gift bags for guests from out-of-town…let the moms deal with any last minute seating conflicts or calls from guests with questions. This frees you up from dealing with stressful matters, gives family members a “purpose” and hopefully helps them bond while they are helping you.

Finally, Plan for the Future: Part of what makes wedding planning stressful for parents is the growing reality that as happy as they are for you, they may also be experiencing some sadness about the fact that you are growing up and will be creating a family of your own. Even as children grow up to “leave and cleave,” parents still want to remain a close fixture in their children’s lives. When extended families don’t live near each other, both sets of in-laws may worry about where the new couple will choose to spend holidays and vacation time. Be sure to talk with parents about your plans and try to create equitable arrangements. If you live nearby one family and see them more on a day-to-day basis, it may mean the far-way family gets to see you for more holidays. Think about ways that you can begin new traditions, with both families getting together to celebrate.

   Geographic distance is a challenge as you plan your wedding and think ahead to the life that awaits you after your big day, but with thoughtful planning, your families can begin to connect and get to know and appreciate each other.

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