You’ve read what your roles are, and you know that you’ll soon have to either plan a bridal shower or a bachelor/bachelorette party, agree on what to wear (and pay for it) and be your most charming and elegant self on the wedding day. You may have heard some terrific stories about bridal parties who go above and beyond the call of duty – flying across the globe to attend the wedding, planning not just a bridal shower but an exorbitant bash that could have been featured in a bridal magazine, and making the wedding cake themselves (Sylvia Weinstock would be proud of the final product, too!). But what you might not have heard or read much about is the top ten bridal party mistakes: the errors, omissions and insensitive moves or comments that hurt the bride and groom and their families, or earn you a one-way ticket out of the bridal party.

   While these mistakes may not seem too earth-shattering to you, remember that the bride and groom are stressed. They’re getting a lot of input and annoyance from their parents. And the wedding is expensive. So that adds up to their being way less tolerant than you’re used to them being. In everyday life, Pre-Wedding, you might have always taken a week to return an e-mail from the bride. Not anymore. She has a million things to do, so it’s these kinds of little shifts on your part, avoiding the top 10 mistakes bridal party members make, that make you a gem of a bridesmaid or a godsend of a groomsman. So take note, and warn yourself: do not make the following mistakes.

1. Taking too long to reply. You might think the #1 mistake would have to do with not paying deposits on time, but that’s later in the list. Brides and grooms say that they lose their minds over slow-replying bridal parties. “We have e-mail, people! There’s no excuse for taking more than a day to get back to me when I mark a question as urgent,” complains one bride-to-be from Chicago. Know that some decisions have to be made with only 24 hours notice, so when the bride and groom respectfully and graciously ask your opinion on something, be respectful and gracious by getting right back to them. It may seem to you that the color of the shoes is a minor detail, but it’s very, very important to a couple that’s trying to get something, anything crossed off their massive To-Do list.

2. Saying “I don’t care.” True, you might not care about the color of the bouquets you’ll carry, or the color of the boutonniere. Anything would be fine with you…you’re just happy to be in the bridal party. But that’s not a good answer to the bride or groom. They asked you because they’re trying to include you in the details that will affect you, so when you get a call or e-mail giving you a choice – all-pink bouquets or pink-and-white – put in your vote. If everyone is wishy-washy, the bride and groom feel like you don’t care. Not that you don’t care about the choice, but that you don’t care about them, about being in their wedding, about their happiness, about all the work they’re putting into the wedding, etc. Are they overreacting? Sure, sometimes. But why push their buttons with an ‘I Don’t Care’ when you can be a lifesaver to them with a simple decision?

3. The eye roll. No one likes to feel judged. While the bride may be acting a little immaturely, or the groom’s ideas are cheesy, let the moment pass without a sigh or that dreaded roll of the eyes. Just be understanding of a bad mood or a questionable suggestion, and move on to the next topic.

4. Taking too long to pay. Here’s the money issue. When you’re told to bring your credit card for buying your dresses or renting your tuxes, bring it. If you’re at a distance, and you’ve been asked to send the Maid of Honor a check for the shoes, send it same-day. Few things stress a couple more than when they have to ask their friends and family for money. If you’re short on cash, be direct with the couple. Let them know exactly when you’ll be able to pay, and make it a priority to pay them back if they’re lending you money out of necessity.

5. In-fighting. Half of the bridesmaids want an elegant shower for $100 per guest, and the other half want an at-home shower for $30 per guest. Instead of working together to find a suitable compromise, it’s a war. Us vs. Them. The last thing the bride wants is a bridal party divided, so be the Bigger Person and put a stop to any division or Mean Girls antics. Even if you’re not the Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor, you’re still invested in the bride’s happiness, so step in and propose the solution.

6. Being late. To anything. Showers, the rehearsal, the salon visit before the ceremony. Make being on time a priority for you, even if you always show up 15 minutes early. Brides and grooms depend on your being there, being clear and ready to go.

7. Envy. More specifically, acting bitter and jealous because you haven’t yet found the love of your life. Or being negative about marriage in general to mask your own loneliness. Keep karma in mind: if you’re truly happy for the couple, happiness is more likely to land on your doorstep sooner.

8. Being too bossy. You think you can do a better job than the Maid of Honor, and you know you’re good at organizing people, so you’re trying to help everyone out by taking over the shower or the dress order or what you’ll all give as a gift. Rein it in, because taking over is another phrase for ‘controlling,’ and some brides and honor attendants see your intense efficiency as a put-down of their skills and dedication. So ask the bride and groom what you can do to help, and feel free to mention your connections at a bakery or catering place, your talent for calligraphy, and so on…but wait to be asked for any steps further than that.

9. Bad behavior at the wedding. You don’t need us to tell you not to get drunk at the wedding and make a fool of yourself, right?

10. Hitting on a fellow bridal party member who’s not interested. At showers and at the rehearsal, your focus should be on your roles as bridal party members. If that attractive bridesmaid isn’t warming to you, drop the pursuit. Brides and grooms hate it when bridesmaids (or groomsmen) ask to be protected from the creepy groomsman (or bridesmaid).

A great rule of thumb is The Wedding Version of The Golden Rule: how do you want your bridal party members to behave for you? So keep good behavior in mind, perhaps drawing on the business etiquette you use for your career, and you’ll be fabulous in your role as honored and honorable bridal party member.

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Sharon Naylor is available to answer your wedding-related questions in her forum (click here).